Reykjavík Grapevine - 16.03.2018, Side 10

#IcelandSmites
With the doomsday clock ticking ever
closer to footballing midnight, it’s now
only three months until Iceland smites
the world. The horde’s tribes are slowly
gathering beneath the portentous,
lightning lick’d skies of Þingvellir for
the long journey ahead, sharpening
their blades for the conquest to come.
Here’s a recap of what’s been going
down in Smiteland.
20% of Icelanders request
World cup tickets
It’s been reported that 66,000 Iceland
fans—around 20% of the country’s
entire population—have applied for
World Cup match tickets. Iceland's
Ambassador to Russia, Berglind
Ásgeirsdóttir, said: “We are cooperating
with the Russian authorities very
closely and asking many questions.
Just think about it: about 20 percent of
Iceland's citizens sent requests to get
tickets for the World Cup! That is an
indication of a great interest. We are
proud to be a participant, representing
t h e l e a s t p o p u l a t e d
country in the history
of World Cup.” She is,
of course, playing down
the masterplan: with a
perfect eleven on the field,
and a horde of 66,000
in the stands, both the
cup and the Kremlin are
there for the taking. JR

Iceland to
massacre Mexico,
pulverise Peru
The Icelandic National
T e a m w i l l p r a c t i c e
their berserk charges
a n d s h i e l d w a l l s for
t h e o n c o m i n g Wo r l d
Cup conquest against
two unwitt ing S outh
American countries in the
coming weeks. On March
24th comes the Massacre
of Mexico, when the horde will make
amends for a 2017 “unfriendly” defeat
in a to-the-death grudge match at the
dust-bowl crucible of the L.A. Levi’s
Stadium (it is rumoured Levi’s will
make special edition distressed blood-
red jeans for the occasion). On the 27th,
they will pulverise the dancing maniacs
of magical , faraway Peru, before
continuing down the western coast to
loot Machu Picchu in its entirety, taking
it down brick by brick to be rebuilt in
the Highlands as a trophy. JR
Klopp comes
out for Iceland
The arm-flailing, spittle-speckling,
wild-eyed warlord of Liverpool FC,
Jurgen Klopp, came out in favour
of Iceland recently. “What they've
done so far in football and handball
is unbelievable,” said the inventor of
‘heavy metal football ,’ presumably
screaming at the top of his lungs whilst
staring down the sun. “They only have
340,000 people there. If Germany or
England don't win it, I'd like Iceland to
win it. I love the attitude there.” Let’s see
if he feels the same after Iceland have
disassembled his robotic übermensch
brethren on the field of war. JR
Iceland’s kit is
good for you
As if you needed another reason to
support Iceland, the country’s Italian
kit manufacturer, Erreà Sport, has now
become “the first and only company in
Europe with an Oeko-Tex® certifica-
tion.” According to the brand’s official
Twitter account, this means that their
products “Don't release the harmful or
cancer-causing substances which are
often used to lower production costs.”
With a new World Cup kit expected to
be released shortly, the
choice for neutrals is
clear. Don’t improve your
diet and definitely don’t
join a gym. “Preserve
your health and your
safety” this summer
by pulling on the red,
white and blue. GR
Gylfi a serious
Hazard
According to Sky Sports,
Gyfli Sigurðsson has
scored the same number
of goals as Eden Hazard
against the Premier
League’s so-called ‘Big
Six’ since August 2014.
With 12 goals to his name
in that period, Gylfi joins
an elite group of players
including Sadio Mané
(15 goals) Harry Kane
(18) and Sergio Agüero
(21). The list is surprisingly topped by
Leicester’s Red Bull-swilling nicotine
pouch fanatic, Jamie Vardy (23 goals).
As Gylfi played for Swansea from
2014-2017—a team that has practically
fetishised relegation battles—his stats
seem all the more impressive. All hail
the ‘Viking Virtuoso.’ GR
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjálmtýsdóttir
Smite The
Kremlin
20% of all Icelanders form a
Russia-sacking football horde

SPORT
10 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 04 — 2018
MEET THE SMITERS
“With a
perfect
eleven on
the field,
and a raven-
ing horde of
66,000 in the
stands, both
the cup and
the Kremlin
are there for
the taking.”
ArtisAn BAkery
& Coffee House
Open everyday 6.30 - 21.00
Laugavegur 36 · 101 reykjavik
Follow our football
commentary on
Twitter:
@rvkgrapevine
Grapevine artist's rendering of World Cup outcome in Moscow
Kári
Árnason
‘The Disciple of Doom’
Age: 35 Hometown: Reykjavík
Club: Aberdeen Position: Centre
back Nicknames: “The Disciple of
Doom,” “The Cristiano Crusher,” “The
Right Boot of God”
Born in Gothenburg, Sweden and
raised in Reykjavík, Kári “The Disciple of
Doom” Árnason has been canonised on
terraces in seven different countries.
His dogged determination, penchant
for the spectacular, and icy wit have
endeared him to fans, but in reality,
there’s only one man he aims to serve.
In fact, his 19-year-career has been
one long pilgrimage to Russia.
Kári’s quest first began after fin-
ishing a school assignment on the
Papar; the wandering Irish monks
who migrated to Iceland around the
9th century. In his sleep, one came to
him in a dream, whispering “You are
the Chosen One, Kári. Like us, you must
travel the world and spread God’s
word: through the medium of football.
You shall go from New York to Copen-
hagen; from Plymouth to Aberdeen;
from Rotherham to Nicosia. But in Rus-
sia, you will find your true purpose.”
On this journey, of course, his faith
was tested. During his three-year spell
at Rotherham United from 2012-2015,
for example, Kári was brought to the
point of despair after signing a con-
tract obligating him to eat Greggs
pasties at least three times a day.
As a consolation for his suffering, God
bestowed two successive promotions
upon Kári and Rotherham United, and
gave him the strength to crush cry-
baby Cristiano at Euro 2016. The good
times kept on rolling after that, as he
netted twice in nine appearances dur-
ing Iceland’s glorious World Cup quali-
fication campaign.
This summer, Kári will be dallying
with the new gods and hoping that Ice-
landic victory is divine will because if it
isn’t, he’s in for fours-years-worth of
self-flagellation. GR