Reykjavík Grapevine - 07.06.2019, Síða 52

POEMS OF THE EDDA
Hymiskviða
The Poem of Hymir
Words: Grayson Del Faro Photo: Lóa Hjálmtýsdóttir
Although it’s named after a gi-
ant, this poem is about Þórr. That
means it has a very different tone
from the more famous, more whin-
ey poems of the Edda. The ones
about Óðinn are melodramatic and
self-important, whereas anything
having to do with Þórr is literally a
joke. As any neckbeard who might
fancy themself an amateur Old
Norse scholar because they’ve seen
all three of Marvel’s ‘Thor’ movies
might already know, Þórr is not a
godly character so much as a slap-
stick buffoon. That’s about the only
thing that’s accurate about them,
so here is the real talk.
Party like it’s 999
Just like the elite of today, the gods
known as the Æsir had nothing to
do and decided to throw a party.
God forbid they do it for them-
selves, so Óðinn gets Ægir, the gi-
ant of the sea, to plan it for them.
Ægir thinks (with good reason)
that Óðinn is a pretentious douche-
bag, so he says, “Fine, I will. But
if you want enough beer for a
proper fucking kegger, you’re
gonna have to get a cauldron
at least three miles deep.”

Luckily, the god Týr knows
just the giant who has that
much, uh, pot. (It’s his dad.) So
he hops into Þórr’s goat-pow-
ered Bentley and off they go to
steal it. They are welcomed by
Týr’s nameless mother and Hymir
serves them dinner, even though
he hates Þórr. Þórr eats so much
that Hymir complains they’ll
have to go fishing tomorrow.
Gone pissin’
Fishing is one of many varieties
of masculinity pissing contests
amongst the Norse gods and gi-
ants. Hymir catches two whales but
is emasculated when Þórr pulls up
his arch-nemesis Jörmungandur, a
sea serpent so large it encircles the
entire Old Norse universe. Game
over!
Of course Hymir is a sore loser,
so he challenges Þórr to break his
magically unbreakable goblet. It
proves difficult at first until Hy-
mir’s wife slips him a tip, “My
husband’s head is thicker than any
goblet!” (And she ain’t talkin’ about
down there, amirite giant ladiezzz!)
So Þórr smashes it against Hymir’s
head, winning the cauldron of their
choice.
Þórr low-key massacres a bunch
of giants on their way out, just for
fun. Then his goat gets a flat tire, so
they stop and kidnap the children
responsible for the inconvenience,
making them his child-slaves. Fi-
nally, the gods can get properly
fucked up. Typical rich people.

Moral of the story: 1. Marvel mov-
ies are not historically accurate.
2. Beer is good. 3. Child-slavery is
bad. 4. Actually, while we’re at it,
all slavery is bad.
TV GODDESS
Easy S01
Lóa takes on the world of TV
Words: Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir
I like the rain and I enjoy getting
sick. I'm happy whenever I get
a legitimate reason to watch TV
without feeling I should be doing
something important with my
time. When I managed to weasel
my way into writing a TV column
I felt as victorious as Angela when
she and Jordan Catalano started
dating or when Rachel finally got
the job at Ralph Lauren.
One of the many series I'm
watching at the moment is ‘Easy’
on Netflix. The show is on its third
and final season, but I just got the
memo and have only watched the
first season. They are written, di-
rected, edited and produced by Joe
Swanberg. I imagine him looking
like Ed Wood with a complete one-
man band contraption.
Each episode only lasts thirty
minutes, so it’s a cheap investment
of your time. Some of the episodes
have poor production value, but
since the narrative is good it doesn't
really matter. It's just like hearing
an interesting story from someone
with a slightly bad breath. The story
is still good and you can, for the
most part, ignore the smell.
All the characters are modern
adults living in Chicago with their
lives connected in various ways. We
travel with them through their love
stories and business adventures.
Some interesting situations are
dealt with, like the guilt carnivores
feel around vegans and the most
honest break up conversation I've
ever witnessed. There is also lot of
sex.
The actors are, overall, doing a
good job—but the greatest actor in
the world could never fix my micro
brewery culture intolerance or open
marriage allergy. I don't mind the
beer and I think people should do
what they want to but still... it's just
beer, and if you need so many lovers
why on earth did you get married in
the first place? I'm sorry for being
judgmental—and I probably have
to see a therapist about this—but
I’m still looking forward to when
monogamous teetotalers become
fashionable.
52The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 07 — 2018
In this series, we illuminate
the individual poems of the
Edda–that most famous, epic
masterpiece of Icelandic literary
tradition–with humour, vulgarity
and modern realness. If you're
still confused, Google 'Saga
Recap.'