Reykjavík Grapevine - Mar 2020, Page 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 03— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
REAL TALK
The hard truths from a magazine that cares
Words: H"nn"h J"ne Cohen, "strologer/life co"ch
Photo: Art Bicnick
In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated amateur astrologist/life
coach breaks down your upcoming
weeks based on shit like “moons,” as
if they even exist.
Aries
We didn’t want to be the
one to tell you, but your
boyfriend’s fetish is actually hang-
ing out with pathetic losers.
Taurus The truth, Taurus, is that that moustache you’re
growing is not working for you
and everyone is just too polite to
say anything. You’re not attractive
enough to pull off the 70s porn star
aesthetic. You’re a systems analyst. GeminiGemini, let ’s not beat around the bush. 2020 is
your year. We’d recommend just
buying your wedding dress now
‘cause there’s no way your latest
drug-addled fuckbuddy isn’t going
to pop the question soon.
Cancer
Don’t be embarrassed
about your weekly chug-
ging Merlot and crying to Kelly
Clarkson’s “Breakaway” sessions,
Cancer. Spread your wings and fly,
bby.
LeoLeave her before she loves you, Leo.
Virgo
You can say you’re “not a
brony” all you want, but we
know the truth. You disgust me. LibraDo you have your pass-port? Did you get your
shots? Libra, get ready, ‘cause
you’ll have a great time in Amer-
ica.
ScorpioYour dedication to the art of influencing is admirable,
Scorpio, that said, there are only
so many variations when taking
pictures of your butt. Maybe it’s
time for a boob job—you need
new material.
SagittariusIf you don’t file your taxes on time, all of your loved
ones will die before you. Oh, just
kidding, nobody loves you. CapricornYour Mom knows about your Pornhub premium.
Also your incest fetish.
AquariusWhat are you doing? Se-riously, what are you do-
ing? At this very moment. While
you’re reading this. Stop that.
Stop thinking about that. Gross.
Pisces You know you’re flaw-less, and we know you’re
flawless, but does the rest of the
world? Time to show everyone
what you’ve got in the form of
maracas.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Should We
Say Some-
thing?

Words: Inês Pereira
My roots are growing out. Should I go
over my roots again, let them grow
out, and eventually do my hair like
ombre or should I dye it a completely
new colour?
Listen here: "#"# is the year of the
abrupt ombre, so let your roots grow
until your hair is two distinct colours.
If that goes wrong—but really, how
could it?—opt for the classic Sinead
O’Connor look. Both of these options
are fool-proof ways to ensure that your
friends make a separate group chat
called “Should we say something?”
Don’t worry, they won’t!
Should I sleep with my ex? I feel like
they've finally changed and this time
it will really work out.
You know what, you should. Self-sabo-
tage is an important part of character
development. Also, it will give the world
more of your great and soulful Twitter
poetry. (We miss Tumblr too btw.)
At a dinner party where everyone
brings an item of food, who's sup-
posed to do the dishes?
Here’s an idea: Bring your own dishes
and cutlery to eat off of. Then, at the
end of the meal, take it back with you.
No dish, no go. “Oh Jón you forgot a
plate? Good luck eating that lamb soup
directly from your hand, you fucking
loser.”
How do I get a vegan chick, that only
dates vegan dudes, to date me—a
carnivore—without becoming some
loser vegan snowflake?
If you really want to honour your lust
for this vegan queen and simultane-
ously celebrate your unbendable car-
nivorism, you should offer your body
as a sacrifice for her witches group to
share under a full moon. It’s the only
way you’ll be inside her.
We're not angry, we're just concerned
Fuck the system