Reykjavík Grapevine - nóv. 2020, Blaðsíða 30

HORROR!SCOPES
Haiku Heavens
Words: Two S!gitt!rii & A C!ncer
The Grapevine’s dedicated team of
amateur astrologists recently ex-
perienced ego death. In response,
we’ve decided to tell your future
through the medium of haiku.
Aries
Liking Nick Cave is
Not a substitution for
Personality
Taurus
Move on from sorrow
To the world of tomorrow…
Kilimanjaro
Gemini
“MORE!” screamed Kylo Ren
But do we really need more?
Or just a sick blade?

Cancer
Cancer, please slow down
Enter lockdown like Boris
With whimsical hair
Leo
Enjoy sunset from
An unsafe melting glacier
Not a vibe, gal pal
Virgo
The Goo Goo Dolls slam
Alexa, please play “Iris”
I know who I am

Libra
It’s legal to speak
It’s legal to pay money
I am a hitman

Scorpio
A Master’s degree
Does not make you qualified
To lead outdoor hikes

Sagittarius
Ita Reginae
Verum Manseritis, Bitch
#benedixitque

Capricorn
There is ice out there
Outside the 10/11
Make sure you don’t fall

Aquarius
Is this insta man
Really a glacier guide
Or just a rando?

Pisces
I’m feeling real rad
Got myself a real cool bag
Not tryin’ to brag
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Spend
Money
2 Make
Money

Questions & Answers:
Iona Rangeley-Wilson
Got a burning question? In desperate need
of advice? We at the Grapevine are here
to help.
What does a girl have to do to make
money around here?
There’s an old phrase kicking around
the English language, supposedly first
uttered by Plautus, which goes some-
thing like this: “you’ve got to spend
money to make money.” That’s right,
Queen! Down with budgeting. Buy eve-
ry pumpkin spice latte, face mask, glit-
tery iPhone case and “organic health
snack” you can fit into your greedy little
hands. Plautus made you do it. And if
that doesn’t work out for you, just sell
your used underwear online. It’s lucra-
tive…apparently.
A girl I kind of know’s house burned
down and everyone is posting about
it. How do I grab the attention back
to myself, where it belongs?
In July !"!", Demi Lovato labelled her-
self as queer in a social media state-
ment mourning the death of Glee co-
star Naya Rivera. Ten days later, she
announced her engagement to her
boyfriend of four months Max Ehrich
and then quickly called the engage-
ment off. Take inspiration from this.
When everyone has drinks to cheer up
this attention-seeking-wannabe, start
crying hysterically about how your
mother never loved you, start a rumour
that you’re pregnant and get person-
ally offended by it, then flip a table and
scream about how literally two of your
houses burnt down when you were lit-
tle and nobody cared about that. Then
come out as queer.
Dangerops prangent sex? will it hurt
baby top of his head?
No, you’re good.
For advice, send your quandaries to
grapevine@grapevine.is
Red Hour, baby
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30 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 09— 2020