Reykjavík Grapevine - jan. 2022, Síða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
2022 Edition
The only article you need to read
Words: Andie Sophi! Font!ine & Josie G!itens
In this edition of Horror-Scopes,
our mystic mind readers are tap-
ping into the anthropomorphised
positions of stars to tell you what
2022 has in store for you. This is
100% scientifically accurate. Look
it up if you don’t believe us.
Aries
Don’t know what to tell you, Ar-
ies, since, no matter what we say,
you’re not going to listen if you
happen to disagree with it, so
let’s just assume we said this’ll
be the best year of your life and
keep that confirmation bias
chugging happily along.
Taurus
This will be the year you are
finally rid of the awful stench
arising from a co-worker micro-
waving fish in the office kitchen.
Because you’ll be working from
home.
Gemini
For 2022, you will finally get
into a series at the same time
everyone else is. So long, late-to-
the-party syndrome; hello hype
train!
Cancer
For the love of all things holy,
throw out those “underpants”.
Leo
You started 2020 by announcing
it was your, “Year to shine,” and
2021 by saying, “So long Covid!”
For 2022, we’d like you to stop
making predictions. Leave that
to us, please.
Virgo
You begin January 2022 as you
do every new year: naked in the
bathroom of your parents’ house,
carefully removing every single
one of your body hairs with
tweezers. Only when this task is
complete can you start the new
year as god intended: smooth
and hairless, like a happy baby
newt.
Libra
“It’s New Year’s? Honestly I
hadn’t noticed, haha. What’s
this? Oh it’s just the hottest,
most popular bullet journal that
I’ve already filled with me-
ticulous plans for the coming 12
months. Colour coded, of course.
No, you can’t touch it.”
Scorpio
Time to start howling at the
moon, I guess.
Sagittarius
After watching ‘Don’t Look Up’
over the holidays, you are unsure
what energy is best to take into
2022: the burning fury at living
in a technologically stupefied and
inherently unjust world, or the
burning desire to make out with
nerd Jennifer Lawrence. We’re
here to tell you: definitely both.

Capricorn
The start of the new year belongs
to you, dear Capricorn, so make
sure you start it right. Dust your
anime girl figurines. Wash your
dakimakura (seriously). Re-or-
ganise your manga collection in
alphabetical order. This is your
year to get organised.
Aquarius
Everyone wants a hot goth gf.
But has anyone asked the hot
goth gf what she wants? Make
your wishes and desires known
this year. Even to those who
should know better. You’ll be
glad you did.

Pisces
You know that one family mem-
ber who leaves passive-aggres-
sive comments on your Facebook
posts? Who will share poorly-
sourced anti-mask articles and
tag you in them? Who cannot
seem to stfu about who the U.S.
president actually is? Good news:
this is the year you piss them off
so bad they block you for good.
WELL, YOU ASKED
Let There Be
Enough Light To
See By

Words: Josie Anne Gaitens
What is your favourite Icelandic
word?
I did a quick poll of the office, and the
general consensus is that the most
beautiful is the Icelandic word for mid-
wife, “ljósmó!ir,” which literally means
“mother of light.” Less commonly used
but also lovely in sentiment is “ratljós,”
which translates to “enough light to
see by.”
***
How much do you miss the sight of
the volcano, ! – !". Because for me
it’s a !#.
I’m with you there, buddy. I miss her so
much, it actually feels as if the volcano
and I have endured a drawn out and
heart-rending divorce that resulted in
her making off with the kids and the
Porsche, leaving me rattling around
the home alone, playing Phoebe Bridg-
ers on repeat. I just want you back, babe.
***
Do you like fireworks for celebrating
the new year?
There is nothing Icelanders love more
than fireworks. Only the Search and
Rescue teams are allowed to sell them,
so it’s also part of a big fundraising ef-
fort. You’ll see crowds of men huddled
around these temporary stores the
week before New Year’s Eve, delighted-
ly comparing rockets and firecrackers
like kids in a sweet shop. And I say, let
them. Let’s fill the night with a thou-
sand stars as a grand and futile gesture
of light in the darkest days of the year.
A glorious middle finger to the heavens
to protest the bleakness, the perpetual
night, the aching cold, and the fact you
didn’t receive the lopapeysa you wanted
for Christmas. Amen.
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 01— 2022
COUNTRY SHOT by Art Bicnick
Metal Island being Metal