Reykjavík Grapevine - jan. 2022, Blaðsíða 31

Reykjavík Grapevine - jan. 2022, Blaðsíða 31
HORROR!SCOPES 2022 Edition The only article you need to read Words: Andie Sophi! Font!ine & Josie G!itens In this edition of Horror-Scopes, our mystic mind readers are tap- ping into the anthropomorphised positions of stars to tell you what 2022 has in store for you. This is 100% scientifically accurate. Look it up if you don’t believe us. Aries Don’t know what to tell you, Ar- ies, since, no matter what we say, you’re not going to listen if you happen to disagree with it, so let’s just assume we said this’ll be the best year of your life and keep that confirmation bias chugging happily along. Taurus This will be the year you are finally rid of the awful stench arising from a co-worker micro- waving fish in the office kitchen. Because you’ll be working from home. Gemini For 2022, you will finally get into a series at the same time everyone else is. So long, late-to- the-party syndrome; hello hype train! Cancer For the love of all things holy, throw out those “underpants”. Leo You started 2020 by announcing it was your, “Year to shine,” and 2021 by saying, “So long Covid!” For 2022, we’d like you to stop making predictions. Leave that to us, please. Virgo You begin January 2022 as you do every new year: naked in the bathroom of your parents’ house, carefully removing every single one of your body hairs with tweezers. Only when this task is complete can you start the new year as god intended: smooth and hairless, like a happy baby newt. Libra “It’s New Year’s? Honestly I hadn’t noticed, haha. What’s this? Oh it’s just the hottest, most popular bullet journal that I’ve already filled with me- ticulous plans for the coming 12 months. Colour coded, of course. No, you can’t touch it.” Scorpio Time to start howling at the moon, I guess. Sagittarius After watching ‘Don’t Look Up’ over the holidays, you are unsure what energy is best to take into 2022: the burning fury at living in a technologically stupefied and inherently unjust world, or the burning desire to make out with nerd Jennifer Lawrence. We’re here to tell you: definitely both. Capricorn The start of the new year belongs to you, dear Capricorn, so make sure you start it right. Dust your anime girl figurines. Wash your dakimakura (seriously). Re-or- ganise your manga collection in alphabetical order. This is your year to get organised. Aquarius Everyone wants a hot goth gf. But has anyone asked the hot goth gf what she wants? Make your wishes and desires known this year. Even to those who should know better. You’ll be glad you did. Pisces You know that one family mem- ber who leaves passive-aggres- sive comments on your Facebook posts? Who will share poorly- sourced anti-mask articles and tag you in them? Who cannot seem to stfu about who the U.S. president actually is? Good news: this is the year you piss them off so bad they block you for good. WELL, YOU ASKED Let There Be Enough Light To See By Words: Josie Anne Gaitens What is your favourite Icelandic word? I did a quick poll of the office, and the general consensus is that the most beautiful is the Icelandic word for mid- wife, “ljósmó!ir,” which literally means “mother of light.” Less commonly used but also lovely in sentiment is “ratljós,” which translates to “enough light to see by.” *** How much do you miss the sight of the volcano, ! – !". Because for me it’s a !#. I’m with you there, buddy. I miss her so much, it actually feels as if the volcano and I have endured a drawn out and heart-rending divorce that resulted in her making off with the kids and the Porsche, leaving me rattling around the home alone, playing Phoebe Bridg- ers on repeat. I just want you back, babe. *** Do you like fireworks for celebrating the new year? There is nothing Icelanders love more than fireworks. Only the Search and Rescue teams are allowed to sell them, so it’s also part of a big fundraising ef- fort. You’ll see crowds of men huddled around these temporary stores the week before New Year’s Eve, delighted- ly comparing rockets and firecrackers like kids in a sweet shop. And I say, let them. Let’s fill the night with a thou- sand stars as a grand and futile gesture of light in the darkest days of the year. A glorious middle finger to the heavens to protest the bleakness, the perpetual night, the aching cold, and the fact you didn’t receive the lopapeysa you wanted for Christmas. Amen. 31The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 01— 2022 COUNTRY SHOT by Art Bicnick Metal Island being Metal

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