Reykjavík Grapevine - feb. 2022, Blaðsíða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Valentine’s Day
Words: Andie Sophi" Font"ine & Josie G"itens
Welcome, lovers! It’s February, aka lurrrrve month, and your favourite
Grapevine mystics have dutifully donned our cupid costumes in order to
romantically shoot you with arrows of adoration! Also, real arrows! Sorry,
that probably hurt a lot! Anyway, while you wait for the ambulance to
arrive, take the time to read on and discover which horoscope hottie you
should try your luck with once you’re bandaged up.
Aries
If you honestly believe that you
should pursue a romantic rela-
tionship with a co-worker, ask
yourself this: are you ready to see
this person every single working
day, eight hours a day, when
you’re at your most stressed and
miserable? No? Then maybe don’t
pursue it. Or quit your job and
then ask them out.
Taurus
Your approach to love-making
has been described as being like
‘a bull in a china shop,’ but luckily
your partner is also a cow and
adores breaking shit, so have at
it, Taurus.

Gemini
A word to the wise: no matter
how lonely you are, it’s always
going to be better than installing
Grindr. This app will not only
exacerbate your loneliness, it
will make you run to the nearest
monastery and take a lifelong
vow of celibacy, silence and
vegetarianism.
Cancer
Bars have finally reopened and
you’re making the most of it. Okay,
so perhaps you’re a little too merry.
After roaring at the DJ for not play-
ing Careless Whisper on repeat,
you escape to the bathroom for
a tactical chunder. From the stall
next door, you hear the dulcet tones
of someone also spewing their
ringer with healthy vigour. Your
heart skips a beat as you carefully
vomit your phone number onto
some toilet paper to slide under
the partition. Your phone lights
up immediately. Love at first puke.
Avoid: the colour yellow, AT ALL
COSTS.
Leo
Is it really a polycule if you don’t
use a spreadsheet to manage
your free time?
Virgo
The most depressing thing about
watching Verbú!in is confront-
ing the fact that even people in
the Westfjords are having more
sex than you.
Swipe right on: Libra, Leo and
Lonely Single Mothers.
Libra
Are they flirting with you? Or are
you just so not used to any kind
of positive feedback that even
the most innocuous compliment
seems like a romantic come-on?
Love yourself, Libra. You’re an
absolute catch. The people that
matter will see that.
Scorpio
We looked up the word ‘love’ in
your dictionary and it wasn’t
there because you’d torn the page
out and eaten it and were subse-
quently laughing maniacally.
What the fuck, Scorpio.
Sagittarius
Sapphic love is 90% arguing about
who’s going to buy the other one
dinner. The other 10% is eating
snacks and watching Adventure
Time together in bed.

Capricorn
Damn, Capricorn, have you been
working out? Working out how to
process your complex childhood
trauma and operate in society as
a fully functional adult, that is.
Because if you haven’t, you really
should.
Ideal date: Taurus, but only on
Wednesdays.
Aquarius
This is your year to replace that
dating app profile photo of you
holding a fish, biting the medal
you got for finishing a marathon,
or holding up the Leaning Tower
of Pisa with … literally anything
else. Holy crap, no wonder you’re
single.

Pisces
There’s plenty more fish in the
sea, and unfortunately you’re one
of them. Get back in the water,
loser.
WELL, YOU ASKED
Cursing and
the Goddamn
Danes

Words: Valur Grettisson
Why do you swear on your YouTube
channel? Can you please stop it? My
kids are watching!
Best, Arthur
Fuck you very much for the question
Arthur. I appreciate the opportunity
to explain myself. I’m guessing you’re
American because no other country in
the western world really gives a shit
about swearing. So, stop that imperial-
ist bullshit of forcing your ethics upon
other cultures.
Icelanders curse pretty casually all the
time, and it’s not considered. For exam-
ple, we don’t ban cursing on TV or put
these odd parental advisory stickers on
our hip-hop albums. As children, we
learn that swear words are just that:
words. So they’re not really that excited,
just another tool for expressing them-
selves. We also just teach our kids what’s
appropriate when it comes to cursing.
You know, parenting. It might be differ-
ent in the US, but I doubt it. There is one
country in Europe that shares the US
view when it comes to swearing, and
it’s Russia. They have banned all swear-
ing in arts, films and TV. And they are
totalitarians. So, good luck on that path.
***
Why do you hate the goddamn Danes?
Best, Kate
We don’t hate Danes. In fact, we have a
very strong relationship with Denmark
and the other Nordic countries. But we
are not so fond of Iceland’s time as a
colony under Danish rule. But truth
is that the monarchy could have been
worse. So no hard feelings.
EXPLORE UNSEEN ICELAND
ON THE ULTIMATE FLYING RIDE
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 02— 2022
COUNTRY SHOT by John Pearson
Midwinter sun on Seltjarnarnes