Reykjavík Grapevine - 03.12.2004, Side 12

WONDERINGS
BEST GOD EVER
Which God Should You Spend Eternity With?
“God,”
Lord of the “Big Three”
Monotheistic Middle Eastern Faiths
Personal Style Turn-Ons Favourite Wrath Pet Peeves Eligibility
You know the right one is out there somewhere, but with so many options to choose from, how can the average believer make the time
to find the god most suitable for a lifelong – or eternal – relationship? Grapevine gives you all the most pertinent (or at least the most
easily digestible) information on eight gods we selected at random. Which one is right for you? Judge for yourself, lest ye be judged:
He created Earth as a
battleground for fighting
Angra Mainyu, so expect this
relationship to be a rocky one.
The eternal war with said foe
might keep him away from
home for extended periods, too.
Amaterasu
Japanese Goddess of the Sun
Ahura Mazda
Persian God of the Zoroastrian faith
His symbol is the winged disc,
which REO Speedwagon
thought was cool enough to
use as a logo. You don’t get
much cooler than that.
Fire, spending time
with family, battling
the forces of evil for
eternity. Action
packed!
Angra Mainyu (the
main force of evil),
sky dragons.
Not known to
employ wrath.
The Japanese royal family claim
direct descent from her, so
expect lots of uncomfortable
dinners meeting the relatives.
On the plus side, she’s both
liberal-minded and beautiful.
Renowned for her beauty,
carries a snake that holds a
sword. Racy!
The beach, the
province of Ise, her
own reflection.
Misogyny, people
who destroy the face
of the earth.
Once hid in a cave and
deprived the world of
sunlight to punish her
boorish brother. Was
finally coaxed out with
a mirror.
Considering the incestuous
tendencies and genital
mutilation, probably not the
best choice, but you can still be
good friends.
Carries a crook and a flail,
which never goes out of
fashion, but also dresses
wrapped in bandages like a
mummy.
His sister Isis. Ew! Having his penis fed
to crocodiles.
Reserves most of his
wrath for Seth, the
God of Death, who
chopped Osiris into
little pieces and fed his
penis to a crocodile.
A born playa. This is a god who
once turned himself into a swan
to get laid. Don’t expect the
loyal, stay-at-home type.
Resembles Kenny Rogers in
a toga, and is known to carry
bolts of lightning.
Females of any age or
species.
Being nagged or
contradicted. Bossy!
Earthquakes, floods,
ingeniously cruel
torments.
Involved intimately with all
other gods, so expect a lot of
juicy behind-the-scenes gossip
about the Aztec pantheon.
Having no determined gender
may be a downer for some,
though.
An androgynous being, so
you can have the best of both
worlds.
Being present during
the worship of every
other Aztec god,
creating stars.
Easy going and hard
to ruffle, not known
to be annoyed easily.
Massive earthquakes
brought on by
exploding stars. Sassy!
He once hung on a tree for nine
days, pierced by his own spear,
just to get an education, which
certainly shows a strong sense
of commitment. On the other
hand, his behaviour clearly
points to an over-compensating
alcoholic.
Even though he only has one
eye, he walks around with two
ravens on his shoulders, which
is pretty kick-ass.
Fighting and
drinking. Macho!
Loki. Fenris the wolf.
Ragnarok, the end of
the world.
A good-old-fashioned
clash of steel, mano-a-
mano.
Of all the gods, this one is
probably the hardest to pin
down. Some say he’s merciful
and forgiving, others say he’s
jealous and vengeful. Probably
best to take it slow at first,
and see how the relationship
develops.
Has no known appearance.
Mysterious!
Loving, sharing,
caring, obedience.
The worship of any
other gods.
Fire and brimstone,
locusts, boils, eternal
damnation.
As he only changes once every
311,040,000,000,000 years, you
can expect a reliable personality.
Still, his shunting the dirty
work onto others is a sign of a
character afraid to make tough
decisions when he needs to.
Depicted in bright colours
and having four faces, this
god certainly attracts attention
in a crowd. Flashy!
Music, lotus
blossoms,
conducting the
movement of all
heavenly bodies.
Being shut out of most
rituals, people with too
much ego.
Leaves anything
wrath-like to Shiva in
his destructive form.
Ometecuhtli
Aztec Ruler of the Heavens
Odin
Lord of the Æsir
Brahma
Hindu Lord of the Universe
Osiris
Egyptian God of the Underworld
and Vegetation
Zeus
Ruler of Mt. Olympus
by Paul F Nikolov
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