Reykjavík Grapevine - 16.06.2016, Síða 30

30The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 8 — 2016
Open 11:30-22:00
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An absolute
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Saegreifinn restaurant (Sea Baron) is like none other
in Iceland; a world famous lobster soup and a diverse
fish selection.
#RonaldoTears
In case you haven’t noticed, the Icelan-
dic men’s football team have, this year,
finally equalled the achievement of
their female counterparts and qualified
for the finals of a major international
tournament. Now, Euro 2016 is finally
here. As 8% of Icelanders made the trip
over to France to revel in the once-in-
four-generations sporting spectacle of
Iceland’s #EuroSaga campaign against
some of the world’s greatest teams,
they left behind a nation gripped by
pre-tournament tension.
Of course, Iceland are destined to
triumph gloriously. So, here it is: the
Grapevine guide to Iceland’s inevitable
victory at Euro 2016.
The Group Stage
Because FIFA has not yet realised the
true power of Iceland’s unstoppable
víkingar, they must first prove them-
selves by demonstrating the majesty
of the Icelandic game against an initial
three pitiable foes.
June 14: A crushing rout of the meek
Portuguese
Iceland’s march to glory at Euro 2016
began when they strode forth onto the
battlefield of Saint-Étienne, where they
ground the meek Portuguese beneath
their winged boots, blessed by the pow-
er of the mighty Thor. We saw Cristiano
Ronaldo’s heavily gelled hair standing
on end from the sheer electricity of
the brave Icelanders as his team was
beset by Þór’s lightning bolts, blasting
their defence apart as Birkir Bjarnason
strode across their cratered box to slot
home the winner past the hapless keep-
er, who had, of course, been crushed by
a blow from Mjölnir. Result: A resound-
ing 1-1 victory
June 18: A historic trouncing of the
terrified Hungarians
Iceland’s vikings will next proceed to
Marseille, looked down upon, no doubt,
by Týr, the god of justice and heroic
glory. After an evening of bathing in
tears of the decimated Portuguese, and
some rehydrating sports mead, Týr will
understand that the only just outcome
for the second group game is for the
Hungarian team to be soundly whipped
and thoroughly routed. His rune is an
upwards arrow, which may mean a
thunderous headed goal after a mighty
leap from striker Kolbeinn Sigþórsson.
Result: 7-0.
June 22: A demonstration of true
Icelandic power against the fleeing
Austrians
Next, Iceland’s heroes will proceed to
Saint-Denis. After team manager Lars
Lagerbäck makes offerings of meat and
blood to the Allfather, Odin will look
kindly over the next game against the
cowering soon-to-be-destroyed Aus-
trians, smiting them with his mighty
spear of destiny. Many of them will
no doubt be sent to feel the wrath of
Hel, the goddess who’ll greet Iceland’s
crushed foes at the gates of the under-
world. Result: 12-0.
The Knockout Stage
Having thoroughly dominated their
group, there are now just four matches
remaining between Iceland and their
heroic destiny. We imagine the tourna-
ment may play out as follows.
June 26, Toulouse:
Sweden made flatter than a glacial mo-
raine and shipped home for reassem-
bly. Result: 43-0
July 1, Lille:
The monied man-boys of England re-
duced to a quivering, teary spectacle af-
ter a volcanic bombardment of unstop-
pable shots. Result: 100-0
July 6, Lyon:
The pitch split asunder and the van-
quished Spanish consumed as human
tapas by the jubilant Ásatrú gods. Re-
sult: 66-0
July 10, Saint-Denis:
Returning to the battle-pocked pitch
of Saint-Denis, the jubilant Icelanders
run rampant, battering Germany into
submission to claim the ultimate vic-
tory. Result: 69-0
gpv.is/ballz
Inside The Glory
ICELAND’S PATH TO CERTAIN VICTORY AT EURO 2016
Where To
Watch
Iceland’s
Certain
Victory
At The
Euro 2016
Football
Tournament
In Public: There’s a special “UEFA
Fanzone” area at the Ingólfstörg
square where games will be shown.
Apparently, the aim is to recreate the
terrace atmosphere of France right in
the heart of downtown Reykjavík. They
better have imported some cheese
though, because seriously, the stuff in
Bónus is some weak shit.
In a Bar: There are some sports bars
in Reykjavík—Bjarni Fel, The English
Pub and American Bar are three of the
main ones, all located on Bankastræti.
But pretty much every bar is probably
going to be screening the games. Check
with your favorites for their schedule.
At the Cinema: All the Euro 2016
games will also be shown at Gamla
Bíó, the converted opera house and
cinema that’s more recently been used
as a music venue. Entry is free for
most games—but not Iceland’s group
games, which are ticketed at 5,000 ISK
with snacks, seats and refreshments
included.
On TV: Iceland’s national broadcast-
ing service, RÚV, will be screening
games on RÚV2, presented by Haukur
Harðarsson.
Words
JOHN ROGERS
Photo
KSÍ
Read our "Foot-
ball At The End
Of The World"
feature for the
back-story:
gpv.is/ball