Reykjavík Grapevine - 16.06.2016, Blaðsíða 64

If you remember the portrait of Ar-
thurian nobility painted by Erex,
this Saga is about to fuck your shit
right up. It’s another translation
of an Old French poem, technical-
ly into “Norwegian” but this was
so long ago that Norwegian was
just a funny way of spelling Ice-
landic, so it’s still lumped in with
the Icelandic Sagas. Which is good
because it’s about sluttiness, an
understandably popular Icelandic
pastime to this very day.
Tart Wars
King Arthur invites all the not-
single ladies and their lovers to
his castle for a feast. He’s really
weird and refuses to eat until he’s
heard some news from abroad
so everyone is standing around
waiting for him to show up. Luck-
ily, some rando busts all up in
there like, “Listen up, bitches
and gentle-bitches, I’ve got this
mad fancy, magical elf-cloak that
shrinks based on how unfaithful a
woman has been to her lover and
my mysterious patroness would
like to give it to whoever is prud-
ish enough to fit it.”
So, before the slut-shaming
games begin, let’s make it clear
that I’m not condoning infidel-
ity, just condemning petty judgey-
ness. Everybody should keep
within the boundaries they set for
their relationship, however broad
or narrow those may be. But also:
not your body, not your business,
amirite? Let the best monogamist-
and/or-prude win!
The Empress
Strikes Back
They commence with
Queen Guinievere. It
shrinks to above her
ankles, revealing she’s
experienced several
inches worth of in-
fidelity. She blushes,
but rather than allow
herself to admit any
shame, that fierce,
enlightened badass just LOLs the
whole thing off like the kween that
she is. She makes a game of it, say-
ing all the women must try it on.
Each knight offers up his be-
loved, thinking her the most pious
but they all fall short, quite liter-
ally. This naturally causes much
ridicule and bickering amongst
the men about their shameful,
shameful womenfolk. At this
point, the cloak starts shrinking
to reveal the specific ways or even
positions in which the maiden has
greatly enjoyed her infidelity. If it
falls on one side, she likes to lie on
that side. Much to the shock of Sir
Ideus, the cloak rises well above
the waist of his beloved—but only
in the back.
Out of spite for
the mockery of his
own lover, a rival
knight declares
triumphantly that
the beloved of Sir
Ideus “is accus-
tomed to shame-
lessly allow herself
to be serviced from
behind.” I want
to be outraged on
his behalf. I really
do. But frankly, I
think a lady likes
what a lady likes and if the lord is
too courtly to serve the realness
the lady needs, the cloak is gonna
shrink. Sorry, guys.
The Return
of the Killjoy
Let’s be honest, we all know
where this is going. All the dudes

1. Monogamy is not
for everyone.
2. Sex is, so stop
being so goddamn
judgey about it all
the time.
Morals of
the story:
RECAP:
Episode 11
Möttuls Saga, the
Saga of the Mantle
TV ON THE
ANCIENT
MANUSCRIPT
Words
GRAYSON DEL FARO
Artwork INGA MARIA
BRYNJARS DÓTTIR
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 8 — 2016
64
HUMANS OF REYKJAVÍK
Being a fire breather
“I am working for the city.
We are just performing and
making Reykjavík feel more
alive. We want to make the
city different for people and
entertain them. It’s my first
day breathing fire and I’m just
learning to do it. I don’t know
for now if it’s dangerous or
not.”
Reykjavík
“I’ve been living in Reykjavík
my whole life. It’s my home.”
Tourists
“If there weren’t any tourists,
downtown would be empty.
So I like the tourism, it sparks
up the place. I also like when
they see us perform.”
Words & Photo GEIDI RAUD
are emasculated, all the ladies
shamed, hahahahahahaha, wom-
en are bad, whatever. Of course it
looks like there’s no maiden in all
the kingdom to live up to this pa-
triarchal double standard of chas-
tity, then one last woman is asked
to put it on. Her lover, Sir Karadín,
asks her not to put it on because he
loves her so dearly that he would
rather never know if she’s been
unfaithful. You’ve gotta give it to
the guy: that’s pretty noble.
But of course she passes the test
and gets to keep the magic cloak
and finally, Arthur lets people eat
and everything is chill. Now, for
the sake of equality, let’s all take a
moment to imagine that the mys-
terious patroness also offered up
a magical, elf-made cock ring that
shrinks to constrict and/or chop
off the dick of the man wearing it
based on his sexism and general
scummy-ness. Just like his noble
lady, only Karadín’s dick would be
left standing, giving a whole new,
much better meaning to “putting
a ring on it.”
SHARE: gpv.is/saga11
Ívar Ölmu Hlynsson
Höfðabakki 9 - 110 Reykjavík - www.mimir.is - Tel: 580 1800
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Höfðabakki 9, 110 Reykjavík
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Öldugata 23, 101 Reykjavík
Vesturlandsvegur
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Location: Öldugata 23, 101 Reykjavík
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