Reykjavík Grapevine - jul. 2020, Side 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 05— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
Come Out,
Capricorn
PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE!!!!
Words: An Andie Sophi", H"nn"h J"ne
& Poppy Ch"rlotte Production
In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur astrolo-
gists break down your upcoming
weeks based on shit like the alleg-
edly-feminine-but-actually-full-of-
toxic-atmospheric-vapour planet
“Venus.”
Aries
Kiki’s renovated. You just
got your new Wigs by
Vanity and you’re ready to bitch
about whoever wins ‘RuPaul’s Drag
Race: All Stars 5’ on the internet.
It’s Pride, Aries; don’t feel shame
about how much you love it. That’s
what the Straights™ want you to
do.
Taurus On the first day, God cre-ated the heavens and the
earth. On the second, he said,
“Let there be light.” On the third,
he—etc. you know how it goes.
You know the gist. On the eighth
day, however, God invented Grindr
and mobile data, so in July, you can
get over your ex safely and anony-
mously. We support you. GeminiDon’t worry, when you ex-plain the term “pansexual”
to your grandma for the 32nd time,
she’ll totally get it—we promise
there won’t even be any kitchen-ap-
pliance-based jokes or uncomfort-
able silences. Ok, we don’t promise,
but a kid can dream right?
Cancer
Being a “useless lesbian”
isn’t an identity, Gemini.
It’s a defense mechanism that
makes you stay inside and cry to
‘Unsolved Mystery’ reruns when
you should be out having fun. This
Pride, leave that label in the past
and become the Holland Taylor you
were born to be. Sarah Paulson is
waiting.
LeoIt’s ok, honey,
play “Beautiful”
by Christina Agu-
ilera on repeat, this
is your month. That’s
what you kids do dur-
ing Pride right? (This
horoscope was written by
your Mom.)
Virgo
‘Chromatica’ is overrated,
Virgo. It’s not just you. LibraYour value to the peo-ple who love you is not
rooted in your productivity. It’s
rooted in how great you smell in
the morning. So rest assured your
gay af partner loves you just the
way you are. ScorpioYou’re not “too much” or “a drama tornado” or “high
maintenance”. You are simply
too fabulous for mere mortals
to comprehend let alone handle.
Eschew those haters, you living
deity.
SagittariusOne day, Carly Rae Jepsen will finally release those
200 disco songs that should have
been on ‘Dedicated’.
And on that day,
Sagittarius, you
will finally feel
complete. Stay
strong. Or just
listen to the new
banger by Aly & AJ. CapricornU s e y o u r asexual in-
visibility powers to rob a
bank. Just do it. They won’t
see you. You’ve got an ace up
your sleeve waiting to be used.
AquariusTake a good, long look in the mirror, trans
Aquarius. Do you pass? Who gives
a shit? You look amazing. You’re
gorge. Live the dream with your
head held high.
Pisces Hey there, nonbinary Pisces, we see you. Re-
ject all dichotomies this month.
Don’t be shoehorned into a false
dilemma between “whiskey sour”
or “shots”. Take both! We promise
you won’t regret it.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Big Time
Griller, Big
Time Killer

Words: Sam O'Donnell
How do I assert my dominance over
my family at summer barbecues?
Since you’re asking this question, I
already know you aren’t manning the
grill at these barbecues. You gotta get
there by any means necessary. Starting
a fight with whoever the grill-master
is might earn you some favourable re-
sults, but only if you know you’ll win.
Getting KO’ed at the family BBQ is not
a good look, especially if the food gets
burnt in the process. Straight up mur-
der might be your best course of ac-
tion. I know from playing many video
games that a stealth kill is much more
effective than overtly walking up to
someone and stabbing them, so try to
be sneaky about it. For reference, de-
pending on your stats, a stealth kill
could do up to !" times the damage a
regular kill does.
I've grown tired of being "the funny
one." How do I go about transition-
ing into another role?
Nobody who is actually funny grows
tired of being the funny one. I see right
through you. It sounds like this tran-
sition will be easy. Just start talking
about existentialism and how imper-
manent life is and your friends will
immediately start seeing you as the
gloomy one of the group. They might
stop asking you to hang out with them,
but that was bound to happen anyway
with your forced delivery and punch-
down method. Alternatively, you could
go to school for accounting. That will
dry your sense of humour right up and
you’ll still have friends, although they
might keep you around for the solely for
free tax advice.
They see me rollin'