Reykjavík Grapevine - Feb 2021, Page 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Makin! Love To
My Chemical Romance
Words: H#nn#h J#ne Cohen, Astrologer/Emo Kid
The Grapevine’s team of amateur
astrologists know all. How? Not
only do we talk to the tarot, but we
also start each morning with a cup
of coffee (black) and a plethora of
meme-related Facebook groups.
Aries
Aries, there is nothing wrong
with making love to My Chemi-
cal Romance. And if your partner
dislikes it, well that's "not ok" and
they can take their “cool old per-
son rock music” and go shove it.
Because what's the worst thing
we can say? You’re just ~quirky~.
Scare the shit out of those teenag-
ers, you rawr-ing legend.
Taurus
Wow! 35 days and you haven’t
stopped tracking your meals on
MyFitnessPal! Congrats Taurus!
Of all the signs, you are the only
one who has kept up your body-
building-macro-resolution. Now
you just need to get that gym
membership. Then it’s over for
those other hos.
Gemini
Telling your new boss about the
time you got a Q-Tip stuck in your
ear may not have been the best
avenue for a good first impres-
sion, but it was definitely a good
avenue for a… first impression.
How to proceed? Just adopt this
as your new “brand” and own it.
You’re the Q-Tip guy.

Cancer
We didn’t want to say it, but you
won’t be spending Valentine’s Day
alone. The constellations assure
us that there is someone in the
mist in front of you. Whether it’s a
serial killer or the love of your life,
we don’t know for sure.
Leo
We didn’t want to say it, but you
won’t be spending Valentine’s Day
alone either, Leo. Whether that’s
because you’re a serial killer or
hopeless romantic, we can’t say.
It all depends on whether you’d
choose ‘American Pie’ or ‘Ameri-
can Psycho’. Make your decision,
and don't lie.
Virgo
Just chill. For all our sakes. And
get out of my room, Mom!

Libra
Oh Libra, you’ve got the path laid
out in front of you. That said, re-
member that Frodo had a path in
front of him, too, and it led him
straight to Shelob. If you haven’t
got a Sam to save you, consider
staying in the Shire.

Scorpio
Almost two months into 2021 and
you haven’t used your powers of
manipulation on anyone but that
waitress that tried to charge you
for extra guacamole. But she de-
served having all her childhood
traumas brought up and thrown
right back at her in public, right?
The fact that she cried just showed
her personal weakness, which
you, Scorpio, obviously don’t have.

Sagittarius
Keep on thriving, Sagittarius. But
maybe dust your room a ‘lil bit.
Just saying.

Capricorn
Capricorn, you saucy dog. Un-
link your smartwatch from your
smartphone. You don’t want
anybody to see those texts you’re
sending… or maybe you do.

Aquarius
Using the first months of 2021 to
rewatch ‘Lost’ is totally a good
decision, Aquarius. There’s ab-
solutely no way you’ll be disap-
pointed again. No possible way. In
fact, you’ll be HAPPY that Michael
and Walt aren’t in the Church at
the end. That’s a natural progres-
sion of events.

Pisces
Stop shooting at the political par-
ties headquarters with airguns,
Pisces. You know who you are. It’s
uncomfortable and spooky and
not in a cool Unabomber way.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Investment
Idiocy

Words: John Pearson
You asked. We answered. You ignored.
I’d love to move to Iceland! I hear that
the position of US Ambassador has
just become available. Any applica-
tion tips, please?
We at The Grapevine have zero experi-
ence as career guidance counsellors.
But since that doesn’t seem to matter,
here goes: If you’ve never visited Ice-
land in your life, that’s a good start.
And if you have no previous experience
of international diplomacy, so much
the better. An ability to demonstrate
long, inexplicable absences from work
in a previous position would be help-
ful, as would an aptitude for blithely
mislabelling lethal pandemics using
ethno-prejudiced misnomers. A de-
sire to surround yourself with beefy
local bodyguards and ride gangsta in a
bullet-proof whip would certainly en-
hance your application. Just be sure to
detail your mafia boss fantasies clearly
on your application form. You’ll be a
shoo-in!
I just got locked out of Robinhood
to stop me trading Gamestop stock.
What investment advice can you of-
fer while I wait to get back in?
Grapevine suggests going long on pork
bellies. Or perhaps that should be long-
ing for pork on short bellies. We’re not
sure, but either way you should cover
your position—and your pork belly, if
you have one—against a short squeeze.
Do feel free to give your own pork belly
a short squeeze, though, if that causes
your stock to rise. Don’t lose your shirt,
don’t lose your shit and remember that
Robin Hood, the first dealer in klepto-
currency, robbed the poor to give to the
rich. And we know all about that. Back
in the mid-noughties, we put all our
pocket money in Icesave. D’oh. That moment when you accidentally
wear the same outfit...
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.is*
shop.grapevine.isshop.grapevine.is
Get Grapevine Merch!
Don't Hesitate!
Act Now!
* You only need to type the URL in once
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 02— 2021