Iceland review - 2004, Síða 21

WHEN ANDY WARHOL ONCE REMARKED THAT WE’D ALL BE FAMOUS FOR FIFTEEN
MINUTES I STRONGLY SUSPECT HE WAS REFERRING TO ICELAND. HERE WHERE THEY
TAKE THE PHRASE QUITE LITERALLY YOU GET “PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCASTING“
WITH A TWIST; YOUR COMMON OR GARDEN ICELANDER FINDING THEMSELVES ON
THE INSIDE OF A CATHODE RAY TUBE LOOKING OUT, AN AVERAGE OF FOUR OR FIVE
TIMES IN THEIR LIFE.
TO A PERSON WHO HAS YET TO GRACE THE WORLD WITH HIS TV PRESENCE, THIS
SOUNDS LIKE AN EXTRAORDINARY STATISTIC. THEN, AFTER THE KIND OF IN-DEPTH
ANALYSIS TO WHICH I SUBJECT ALL THE CRITICAL ISSUES OF THE DAY, I CAME TO THE
TENTATIVE CONCLUSION THAT IT’S PROBABLY TRUE. AFTER ALL, TV CHANNELS IN
ICELAND NEED TO PRODUCE A FULL DAYS’ SCHEDULE LIKE ANY OTHER COUNTRY.
THIS, OF COURSE, MEANS DELIVERING ITS FAIR SHARE OF GAME SHOWS AND CHAT
SHOWS, NOT TO MENTION REALITY TELEVISION. WITH A POPULATION OF ONLY
280,000 LUCKY ICELANDERS TO CHOOSE FROM, THERE ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH WILL-
ING PARTICIPANTS TO GO ROUND!
WHO CAN FORGET THE DARK AND SINISTER DAYS THAT FOLLOWED THE INTRODUCT-
ION OF ICELANDIC MULTI CHANNEL, WITH INNOCENT CITIZENS FORCIBLY DRIVEN
FROM THEIR BEDS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT BY DESPERATE TV PRODUCERS, TO APPE-
AR ON YET ANOTHER ICELANDIC VERSION OF BLIND DATE, JERRY SPRINGER OR
CELEBRITY SURVIVOR. THIS INGENIOUS THEORY ALSO EXPLAINS WHY ICELANDIC TV
IS SO STAGGERINGLY BAD. I MEAN WOULD YOU WANT TO WATCH TV IF ALL YOU
EVER SAW WAS PEOPLE, WELL, LIKE YOU?
WITH LIMITED ADVERTISING, LICENCE AND SUBSCRIPTION REVENUE SPREAD EVER
MORE DESPERATELY OVER THE VAST OPEN COUNTRYSIDE THAT IS THE MODERN TV
SCHEDULE, DISCOUNT DRIVEL FROM THE US AND BRITAIN HAS BECOME THE ORDER
OF THE DAY. THOUGH RÚV, THE NATIONAL CHANNEL, IS A SERIAL OFFENDER IN THIS
REGARD, THE CROWN PRINCE OF PAP IS UNDOUBTEDLY SKJÁR EINN (CHANNEL ONE),
ICELAND’S BARGAIN BASEMENT CHANNEL, THE TELEVISION EQUIVALENT OF K-MART.
AT ITS INCEPTION, MID-WEEK PRIME TIME MEANT REPEATS OF THAT OILY TEXAN
SOAP, DALLAS. THE MUCK HAS SINCE BEEN MODERNIZED BUT IT WON’T SURPRISE
YOU TO LEARN THAT SKJÁR EINN IS STILL AVAILABLE FREE OF CHARGE. RECENTLY,
THOUGH, THEY HAD THE TEMERITY TO SWIPE THE “BEST OF“ SKJÁR EINN TO CREA-
TE A SUBSCRIPTION-BASED SISTER CHANNEL. IN THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE THE BOARD
OF MANAGEMENT INHABITS, PUNTERS WERE APPARENTLY WILLING TO PAY FOR IT.
BACK ON PLANET REALITY, HOWEVER, SKJÁR TVÖ DIVE-BOMBED FASTER THAN
MICHAEL DUKAKIS.
NOTWITHSTANDING SKJÁR TVÖ’S TITANIC OUTING, ICELAND HAS STILL NO FEWER
THAN TEN DOMESTIC CHANNELS, A FAR CRY FROM SINGLE-CHANNEL, STATE-CON-
TROLLED TV OF THE 70S AND EARLY 80S. BACK THEN, RÚV WOULD SHUT UP SHOP
FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF JULY, THE TELLY AUTHORITIES ASSUMING THAT THE CR-
EATIVE CITIZENS OF ICELAND WOULD PROBABLY FIND BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH
THEIR 24 HOURS OF DAYLIGHT THAN SITTING IN A DRAPE-DRAWN ROOM WATCHING
RERUNS OF STARSKY AND HUTCH. THERE WAS ALSO “NO TELLY ON THURSDAY“,
WHICH IN THE HINDSIGHT OF ARMCHAIR-INDUCED OBESITY SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY
SENSIBLE POLICY, NOT TO MENTION A SNAPPY SLOGAN.
ALAS, IN THE MODERN ERA, FREEDOM OF CHOICE AND THOSE PESKY MARKET
FORCES MEAN THAT MY INALIENABLE RIGHT TO WATCH GLADIATORS AND GUIDING
LIGHT WILL NEVER AGAIN BE VIOLATED. IN ANY CASE I SUPPOSE ADULTS MUST BE TR-
EATED AS SUCH, AND THERE’S ALWAYS THE OFF BUTTON.
BY JOHN BOYCE
FIFTEEN MINUTES
The weird and wonderful world
of Icelandic television.
IR Full Stop 15.6.2004 23:30 Page 19