Lögberg-Heimskringla - 26.10.1990, Blaðsíða 6

6 • Lögberg-Heimskringla • Föstudagur 26. október 1990
by
Joan
Eyolfson
Cadham
My answering machine is NOT my
best friend. Contrary to ad campaigns
that try to convince us that we owe our
allegiance to our cars, trucks and
washing machines, I chose to believe
that “friend” is a word to be reserved
for someone who is real flesh and blood,
someone who can respond to me with
original thought. However, I do free-
lance at home. I don’t like being inter-
rupted by a telephone solicitor trying
to peddle cleaner for carpets we don’t
own. And I can lose my concentration
for an entire day after a call that be-
gins: “Oh,yes, Iknowyou’re absolutely
in the middle of something absolutely
divine, but~ this will only take a
minute...” So, in an anti-gadgethouse-
hold where we don’t have a VCR be-
cause we don’t have a television to
which it can be attached and where the
original French Canadian kitchen
counters hold neither blender nor
processor nor microwave, the answer-
ing machine reigns supreme and, a
technophobe in the extreme, I have
melted to the extent that, frequently, I
pat its little head and chuck it under
its beguiling little chin, a treatment
that makes it positively purr with
pleasure.
I wasn’t easily convinced. I hate
machines. They retaliate. I once lived
uneasily with an adding machine that
v/ould periodically record a seven no
matter what number I offered so that
the day it was stolen from the back of
my car, I laughed until I hiccuped. I
have a portable manual typewriter to
back up my electronic beast and my
only other gadget, a solar-po wered cal-
culator, intimidates me. It divides to
four decimals but it whisks out the
answer with a superior look that de-
clares, “Remember I’m doing you a
favour working at all on a cloudy
morning.”
When my self-appointed advisors
began to push me in the direction of an
answering machine, I balked. I hate
talking to tin voices. Besides, as the
^parent ofgrown kids, I couldn’tfathom
the notion that a call for help could be
hidden in a little cassette.
“No problem,” said my buddy Pete,
who uses one so he doesn’t miss any
relief shifts atthe children’s residence
where we both work part-time. “You
leave the tape on all the time but you
turn up the volume.”
That solved the other problem. I
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Answering a need
had heard that thieves used answering
machine messages to determine
whether people were out so they could
drop by with a moving van—though I
never could fígure what a thief would
want from a house that doesn’t have a
TV, a VCR, a CD, a PC jr. or anything
else known by designated initials.
The fínal push came when I was
offered a loaner. Free. Which immedi-
ately presented the first problem. I
have an old-fashioned phone that is
permanently affixed to the wall and
before we could hook up the machine I
had to fiddle around and get a jack.
I had no intention of living with an
answering machine that oflfered the
usual canned message: “We are sorry.
No one can answer the phone right
now. If you leave your name and
number we will get back to you. Wait
for the beep.”
My first message introduced the
machine. “Hello. This is Joan Eyolfson
Cadham’s answering machine, with a
message from Joan. Either she cannot
answer the phone right now, or she
chooses not to answer it. If you’re ped-
dling light bulbs, daily papers or dance
lessons, she’s not interested. If you
have some other message, leave your
name and number, and she will get
back to you - eventually.”
When a rather pompous acquaint-
ance left a stinging message accusing
me of being arrogant and of not speak-
ing clearly enough for him to under-
stand what I’d said, I knew I was off to
a good start.
The next message began: “This is
Joan Eyolfson Cadham’s machine, here
to tell you that Joan has a problem. Too
many of you are hanging up on me and,
when you do, I moan, I grumble, I
whine, I complain and Joan has to
wade through all my protests to get to
her messages. However, if you’re try-
ing to sell something, continue to hang
up...”
My poor machine has been sworn at
by telephone solicitors. It has endured
series rings when a room filled with
the little trolls, who offer up cheap
cemetery plots just as we sit down to
dinner, begin to dial my number, one
after another, spurred on, obviously,
by the first troll to hit the message.
Sometimes these trolls hang up, one
after another. Sometimes they heap
troll insults on my machine, on me,
and on my parentage, or lack thereof.
There’s a brighter side. My favour-
ite messages go like this: “Hi, Joan. No
message. We just call up to hear yours.”
I have no idea who the callers are.
When one of my favourite editors,
Working To Keep Our Heritage
CANADAICELAND
FOUNDATION
Secretary - phone 1 - 204 - 453-3022
V
Mrs. S. Borga Jakobson
205 Montrose Street
Winnipeg, Mantioba R3M 3L9
J
rninnisí
3 ERFÐfiSKRám YÐRR
calling from Toronto, grumbled that
my message was a trifle long, I ex-
plained that it’s a deliberate ploy.
You’ve really ~got to want to tell me
something before you’ll hang in
through my machine’s entire message.
My little machine and I have joined
forces to bring answering-machinism
to new levels. My machine announces
the arrival of grandchildren. It asks
for prayers for friends and/or family
members in distress—and reports on
the results. When my eldest sister died,
a year ago, my machine let my friends
know. And another of my finest memo-
ries was the response, probably from a
potential telephone solicitor, a young
female voice: “I don’tknow Joan, but I
want to lether know I’m awfully sorry.”
Continued on page 7
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