Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.05.2016, Blaðsíða 60

Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.05.2016, Blaðsíða 60
This month we’ll recap two “tales” of Icelanders, too short to be called Sagas but much less boring: Þor- steinn Staffstruck and Auðunn from the Westfjords. Horse fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight The first story starts with a horse fight. This may make it sound like a food fight, with people throwing horses at each other, but it’s actu- ally more like a Pokémon battle where people pit their horses against each other. They presum- ably don’t shoot fire or anything but just brutalize one another, which is definitely animal abuse and horrible. So don’t laugh at the horse fight. Laugh at this guy named Þor- steinn, instead, who is hit in the face with a stick by some sore loser at the horsefight. Apparently this is a huge affront to his fragile medieval masculinity because he cuts off part of his shirt to ban- dage himself, acting all chill like nothing is wrong. Then he franti- cally begs everyone not to tell his dad about it. First rule of Horse Fight Club: you do not talk about Horse Fight Club (to Þorsteinn’s dad). Second rule of Horse Fight Club: no, really, guys, he’s gonna be soooooo mad. What we talk about when we talk about Horse Fight Club Of course Þorsteinn’s dad Þorarinn, who used to be a fierce warrior but is now just a shriveled dick, finds out. He calls his son a pussy and Þorsteinn is successful- ly bullied by this sexist vulgarity into demanding compensation. The sore loser, Þorður, is a total douche about it so Þorsteinn shivs him right then and there. Apparently this is also an af- front the equally fragile medieval masculinity of Þorður’s farm- boss, Bjarni. So he sends servants to go kill Þorsteinn. Þortseinn kills the shit out of them, ties their corpses to their horses and sends them back to Bjarni like a total badass. In the YouTube clip of Þorsteinn’s life, this is where the image freezes and sunglasses fall over his eyes and a joint into his mouth as Dr. Dre’s “The Next Episode” starts playing. When Bjarni finally comes to fight Þorsteinn himself, the fight is resolved by Bjarni offering him a job at his farm instead of killing him. They all live happily ever after, except Þorsteinn’s shitty dad who is never happy and Bjarni who dies on a random pilgrimage to Rome. Don’t spend it all in one place The other one starts with some guy named Auðunn leaving his mother in the Westfjords to travel to Greenland, where he prompt- ly spends all of his money on a motherfucking polar bear. I mean, wouldn’t you? He decides to take his polar bear to Denmark to give it to the king. He stops in Norway along the way and the king of Norway happens to be totally into bears if you know what I mean. So he’s like, “Break me off a piece of that,” but Auðunn refuses, insisting he will give it to the rival king instead. The Norwegian king is like, “Fine, whatever, just don’t get robbed on your way to Denmark and come say ‘wut up’ on your way back.” Auðunn runs out of food and asks some guy who only agrees to give it to him in ex- change for ownership of half the bear. When they get to the Dan- ish king, he’s super offended this extortionist would try to hamper 1. You don’t talk about Horse Fight Club. 2. Be generous. 3. Don’t buy animals you can’t afford to feed 3. Coinciden- tally, don’t forget to feed your mom. Morals of the story: RECAP: Episodes 7&8 – Two Tales for Sweeps Week TV ON THE ANCIENT MANUSCRIPT Words by GRAYSON DEL FARO Artwork by INGA MARIA BRYNJARSDÓTTIR The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 5 — 2016 60 HUMANS OF REYKJAVÍK Inga Rósa Joensen “I am from the Faroe Islands but I came to Reykjavík because of my daughter and my grandson. If I could choose, I would love to live there and grow old there but I have to be here.” On her profession “It is hard work to be a teacher in a kindergarten so I lay down on the sofa when I get home. I would not want to do anything else. I feel I can make a difference. Be there for them, really do something. If I was not able to work here, maybe I would work with trees… something with nature.” On dogs in the city “I do like animals but I do not like all these dogs I meet here. They should be in the countryside.” On any regrets over her profession No. I don’t have to make 1000.000 ISK each month. Like the other guys here in Iceland. You know the Panama Papers? So many Icelandic people are hiding money; I don’t have to do that. Every issue, we will interview someone living and working in Reykjavík, so as to share with you, dear reader, the trials and tribulations of daily life here in the capital. By KELLEY RHYS & JÓHANNA PÉTURSDÓTTIR the giving of such fine presents to the king and banishes him. He totally digs the bear though, so he lets Auðunn bask there in his royal beary glory. Stay gold, Polarbearboy Several years having passed, Auðunn suddenly remembers he has to get back to Iceland to feed his mom. The king showers him with gifts, including the Bentley of Viking ships, a ton of gold in case he wrecks the ship, and a gold arm- ring in case he loses his other gold. He stipulates this ring is only to be given away to the kindest of men. Auðunn pops by the Norwegian king’s court to give him this arm ring in exchange for not killing him and taking his beloved bear earlier. Who needs an arm-ring when your heart is made of gold? Whether his mother was still alive, however, is not mentioned. Cross your fingers. SHARE: gpv.is/recap7-8 TVEIR HRAFNAR listhús, Art Gallery Baldursgata 12 101 Reykjavík (at the corner of Baldursgata and Nönnugata, facing Þrír Frakkar Restaurant) Phone: +354 552 8822 +354 863 6860 +354 863 6885 art@tveirhrafnar.is www.tveirhrafnar.is Opening hours: Thu-Fri 12pm - 5pm, Sat 1pm - 4pm and by appointment +354 863 6860 TVEIR HRAFNAR listhús, Art Gallery offers a range of artwork by contemporary Icelandic artists represented by the gallery, se- lected works by acclaimed artists and past Icelandic masters. Represented artists: GUÐBJÖRG LIND JÓNSDÓTTIR HALLGRÍMUR HELGASON HÚBERT NÓI JÓHANNESSON JÓN ÓSKAR ÓLI G. JÓHANNSSON STEINUNN THÓRARINSDÓTTIR Also works by: HADDA FJÓLA REYKDAL HULDA HÁKON NÍNA TRYGGVADÓTTIR KRISTJÁN DAVÍÐSSON – among others GET YOUR VIKING PORTRAIT TODAY
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