Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.05.2016, Side 60

This month we’ll recap two “tales”
of Icelanders, too short to be called
Sagas but much less boring: Þor-
steinn Staffstruck and Auðunn
from the Westfjords.

Horse fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
The first story starts with a horse
fight. This may make it sound like
a food fight, with people throwing
horses at each other, but it’s actu-
ally more like a Pokémon battle
where people pit their horses
against each other. They presum-
ably don’t shoot fire or anything
but just brutalize one another,
which is definitely animal abuse
and horrible. So don’t laugh at the
horse fight.
Laugh at this guy named Þor-
steinn, instead, who is hit in the
face with a stick by some sore
loser at the horsefight. Apparently
this is a huge affront to his fragile
medieval masculinity because he
cuts off part of his shirt to ban-
dage himself, acting all chill like
nothing is wrong. Then he franti-
cally begs everyone not to tell his
dad about it. First rule of Horse
Fight Club: you do not talk about
Horse Fight Club (to Þorsteinn’s
dad). Second rule of Horse Fight
Club: no, really, guys, he’s gonna
be soooooo mad.
What we talk
about when
we talk about
Horse Fight Club
Of course Þorsteinn’s dad
Þorarinn, who used to be a fierce
warrior but is now just a shriveled
dick, finds out. He calls his son a
pussy and Þorsteinn is successful-
ly bullied by this sexist vulgarity
into demanding compensation.
The sore loser, Þorður, is a total
douche about it so Þorsteinn shivs
him right then and there.
Apparently this is also an af-
front the equally fragile medieval
masculinity of Þorður’s farm-
boss, Bjarni. So he sends servants
to go kill Þorsteinn. Þortseinn
kills the shit out of them, ties
their corpses to their horses and
sends them back to Bjarni like a
total badass. In the YouTube clip
of Þorsteinn’s life, this is where
the image freezes and sunglasses
fall over his eyes and a joint into
his mouth as Dr. Dre’s “The Next
Episode” starts playing.
When Bjarni finally comes to
fight Þorsteinn himself, the fight
is resolved by Bjarni offering him
a job at his farm instead of killing
him. They all live happily ever after,
except Þorsteinn’s shitty dad who is
never happy and Bjarni who dies on
a random pilgrimage to Rome.
Don’t spend it
all in one place
The other one starts with some
guy named Auðunn leaving his
mother in the Westfjords to travel
to Greenland, where he prompt-
ly spends all of his money on a
motherfucking polar bear. I mean,
wouldn’t you? He decides to take his
polar bear to Denmark to give it to
the king. He stops in Norway along
the way and the king of Norway
happens to be totally into bears if
you know what I mean. So he’s like,
“Break me off a piece of that,” but
Auðunn refuses, insisting he will
give it to the rival king instead.
The Norwegian king is like,
“Fine, whatever, just don’t get
robbed on your way to Denmark
and come say ‘wut up’ on your
way back.” Auðunn runs out of
food and asks some guy who only
agrees to give it to him in ex-
change for ownership of half the
bear. When they get to the Dan-
ish king, he’s super offended this
extortionist would try to hamper

1. You don’t
talk about
Horse
Fight Club.

2. Be
generous.

3. Don’t buy
animals you
can’t afford
to feed
3. Coinciden-
tally, don’t
forget to
feed your
mom.
Morals of
the story:
RECAP:
Episodes 7&8 –
Two Tales for
Sweeps Week
TV ON THE
ANCIENT
MANUSCRIPT
Words by GRAYSON DEL FARO
Artwork by INGA MARIA BRYNJARSDÓTTIR
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 5 — 2016
60
HUMANS OF REYKJAVÍK
Inga Rósa Joensen
“I am from the Faroe
Islands but I came to
Reykjavík because of my
daughter and my grandson.
If I could choose, I would
love to live there and grow
old there but I have to be
here.”
On her profession
“It is hard work to be a
teacher in a kindergarten so
I lay down on the sofa when
I get home. I would not
want to do anything else. I
feel I can make a difference.
Be there for them, really
do something. If I was not
able to work here, maybe
I would work with trees…
something with nature.”
On dogs in the city
“I do like animals but I do
not like all these dogs I
meet here. They should be
in the countryside.”
On any regrets over her
profession
No. I don’t have to make
1000.000 ISK each month.
Like the other guys here
in Iceland. You know the
Panama Papers? So many
Icelandic people are
hiding money; I don’t
have to do that.
Every issue, we will interview someone living and working in Reykjavík, so as to share
with you, dear reader, the trials and tribulations of daily life here in the capital.
By KELLEY RHYS & JÓHANNA PÉTURSDÓTTIR
the giving of such fine presents
to the king and banishes him. He
totally digs the bear though, so he
lets Auðunn bask there in his royal
beary glory.
Stay gold,
Polarbearboy
Several years having passed,
Auðunn suddenly remembers he
has to get back to Iceland to feed
his mom. The king showers him
with gifts, including the Bentley of
Viking ships, a ton of gold in case
he wrecks the ship, and a gold arm-
ring in case he loses his other gold.
He stipulates this ring is only to be
given away to the kindest of men.
Auðunn pops by the Norwegian
king’s court to give him this arm
ring in exchange for not killing
him and taking his beloved bear
earlier. Who needs an arm-ring
when your heart is made of gold?
Whether his mother was still
alive, however, is not mentioned.
Cross your fingers.
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ÓLI G. JÓHANNSSON
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