Reykjavík Grapevine - 23.09.2016, Blaðsíða 60

Reykjavík Grapevine - 23.09.2016, Blaðsíða 60
If any Saga is most worthy of adap- tation by Quentin Tarantino into a double-feature fantasy slaughterfest, it’s very possibly the Saga of Egill One- Hand and Ásmundur Berserker-Killer. Egill is so named because his other other hand is literally a fucking sword and Ásmundur because he is, well, a berserker who kills other berserkers. Berserkers, in case you were wonder- ing, were legendary warriors of super- natural strength from Norse culture and the likely origin of many of the bullshit “Viking” stereotypes that you probably think are true. (Most of them aren’t.) But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to find joy in the comically outrageous bloodshed I’m about to describe. King of the hildurs The very desirable sisters Brynhildur and Bekkhildur are mysteriously ab- ducted back to back, one by a giant dog and the other by a giant vulture. Their father, the King of Russia, offers their hands in marriage to whoever can find them. Luckily for him, Ásmundur and Egill are tooooootally down for a fun little adventure and/or slaughter- fest. They set off for the Giantworld to look for the missing hildurs. There amongst some rocks and goats, they encounter a mutant giant- ess unfortunately named Skinbeak who is wider than she is tall. She in- vites them to dine with her and her mother, Eaglebeak, a monstrous hag and queen of said rocks and goats. While their gruel is cooking, she asks them to tell their stories. We’re gonna fast forward through them to get to Queen Eaglebeak’s sordid past, be- cause lemme tell you: that bad bitch is fucked up. Ásmundur is the boring one. All you need to know is that he inherits a kingdom through a bromance with his main bitch Aran, whose father Her- raud gives Ásmundur the kingdom after a squabble with Aran’s berserker uncles. Egill, on the other hand (see what I did there?), was abducted by a giant and spent his childhood as a goat-slave. He escaped only to have his hand cut off while trying to aid a giantess in a scuffle over a ring. If you think that sounds like a shitty child- hood, Eaglebeak is about to wreck your shit. Sex on the beak Eaglebeak was the youngest of the eighteen daughters of a giant king. They inherited his money when he died but the kingdom went to his ass- hole brothers Gautur and Hildir. Her sisters treated her like a pile of shit, so she prayed to Þór to even things between them. He came and had sex with the oldest sister, who was killed out of jealousy by the other sisters. Then he boned the next oldest. And so on and so on until only Eaglebeak survived, and she totally boned him too, but at the risk of a curse from her sisters that her child would never grow taller. Hence Skinbeak’s freakish width. Þór’s dick must have been truly otherwordly because her one evening with him gave her an insatiable taste for dick. She became obsessed with a man who married before she could have him and when she tried to kill him in jealousy, she was captured and spared her life only in exchange for some magical items. Her journey to acquire these took her to a mountaintop where she was horribly mutilated in a brawl with three giantesses, having her scalp and half her face removed in addition to many fingers and teeth. In exchange, she ripped one giantess’s tits off so hard that her organs exploded out of her body. Then she traveled to the underworld where she had to jump through fire, leaving her horribly burned, but on the plus side she got to fuck Óðinn along the way! Lastly, it turns out that it was she whom Egill was trying to save when his hand got cut off. She still has it, so she sews it back on for him. And best of all, it turns out that her shitty uncles are the ones who kidnapped the hildurs and she’s gonna help Egill and Ásmundur save the shit out of them. Dumb Sea and dumber Eaglebeak sneaks Egill and Ásmundur into her uncles’ creepy double wed- ding disguised as the sons of “King Dumb of the Dumb Sea,” wedding planners extraordinaire. They pile all the gifts and the princesses on a magic carpet which rises to keep them safe while a giant brawl breaks out. Skinbeak uses a magic mirror to blind the guests and create confusion while Ásmundur slices open Gautur, who trips on his own intestines and dies. Then Ásmundur jumps in and grabs Hildir’s feet, which enables Egill to basically curb-stomp that beez. I’m sorry to inform you that no tits were ripped off this time, but they won the battle nonetheless. Egill and Ásmundur return to Rus- sia to marry the princesses and be- come kings of this-land and that-land. Eaglebeak even comes to their double wedding to vouch for their otherwise batshit crazy stories. Everyone lives happily ever except Ásmundur, whose wife dies quickly and then he’s ran- domly speared to death by Óðinn. Fucking Óðinn, amirite? SHARE: gpv.is/saga18 Moral of the story: Quentin Tarantino is morally obligated to adapt this saga to film. Somebody make that happen. Saga of Egill and Ásmundur SAGA RECAP Words GRAYSON DEL FARO Photo ART BICNICK The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 15 — 2016 60 483-1000 • hafidblaa.is 5 minutes from Eyrarbakki at the Ölfusá bridge open daily 11:00-21:00 483-3330 • raudahusid.is 10 minutes from Selfoss Búðarstígur 4, 820 Eyrarbakki open daily 11:30-22:00 Traveling the south coast or Golden Circle?Reykjavík Eyrarbakki Keavík International Airport Vík MADE IN ICELAND www.jswatch.com With his legendary concentration and 45 years of experience our Master Watchmaker ensures that we take our waterproofing rather seriously. Gilbert O. Gudjonsson, our Master Watchmaker and renowned craftsman, inspects every single timepiece before it leaves our workshop.
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