Reykjavík Grapevine - 23.09.2016, Blaðsíða 60

If any Saga is most worthy of adap-
tation by Quentin Tarantino into a
double-feature fantasy slaughterfest,
it’s very possibly the Saga of Egill One-
Hand and Ásmundur Berserker-Killer.
Egill is so named because his other
other hand is literally a fucking sword
and Ásmundur because he is, well, a
berserker who kills other berserkers.
Berserkers, in case you were wonder-
ing, were legendary warriors of super-
natural strength from Norse culture
and the likely origin of many of the
bullshit “Viking” stereotypes that
you probably think are true. (Most of
them aren’t.) But that doesn’t mean
you aren’t allowed to find joy in the
comically outrageous bloodshed I’m
about to describe.

King of the hildurs
The very desirable sisters Brynhildur
and Bekkhildur are mysteriously ab-
ducted back to back, one by a giant dog
and the other by a giant vulture. Their
father, the King of Russia, offers their
hands in marriage to whoever can
find them. Luckily for him, Ásmundur
and Egill are tooooootally down for a
fun little adventure and/or slaughter-
fest. They set off for the Giantworld to
look for the missing hildurs.
There amongst some rocks and
goats, they encounter a mutant giant-
ess unfortunately named Skinbeak
who is wider than she is tall. She in-
vites them to dine with her and her
mother, Eaglebeak, a monstrous hag
and queen of said rocks and goats.
While their gruel is cooking, she asks
them to tell their stories. We’re gonna
fast forward through them to get to
Queen Eaglebeak’s sordid past, be-
cause lemme tell you: that bad bitch is
fucked up.
Ásmundur is the boring one. All
you need to know is that he inherits a
kingdom through a bromance with his
main bitch Aran, whose father Her-
raud gives Ásmundur the kingdom
after a squabble with Aran’s berserker
uncles. Egill, on the other hand (see
what I did there?), was abducted by
a giant and spent his childhood as a
goat-slave. He escaped only to have
his hand cut off while trying to aid a
giantess in a scuffle over a ring. If you
think that sounds like a shitty child-
hood, Eaglebeak is about to wreck
your shit.
Sex on the beak
Eaglebeak was the youngest of the
eighteen daughters of a giant king.
They inherited his money when he
died but the kingdom went to his ass-
hole brothers Gautur and Hildir. Her
sisters treated her like a pile of shit,
so she prayed to Þór to even things
between them. He came and had sex
with the oldest sister, who was killed
out of jealousy by the other sisters.
Then he boned the next oldest. And
so on and so on until only Eaglebeak
survived, and she totally boned him
too, but at the risk of a curse from
her sisters that her child would never
grow taller. Hence Skinbeak’s freakish
width.
Þór’s dick must have been truly
otherwordly because her one evening
with him gave her an insatiable taste
for dick. She became obsessed with
a man who married before she could
have him and when she tried to kill
him in jealousy, she was captured and
spared her life only in exchange for
some magical items.
Her journey to acquire these took
her to a mountaintop where she was
horribly mutilated in a brawl with
three giantesses, having her scalp and
half her face removed in addition to
many fingers and teeth. In exchange,
she ripped one giantess’s tits off so
hard that her organs exploded out
of her body. Then she traveled to the
underworld where she had to jump
through fire, leaving her horribly
burned, but on the plus side she got to
fuck Óðinn along the way!
Lastly, it turns out that it was she
whom Egill was trying to save when
his hand got cut off. She still has it,
so she sews it back on for him. And
best of all, it turns out that her shitty
uncles are the ones who kidnapped the
hildurs and she’s gonna help Egill and
Ásmundur save the shit out of them.
Dumb Sea and dumber
Eaglebeak sneaks Egill and Ásmundur
into her uncles’ creepy double wed-
ding disguised as the sons of “King
Dumb of the Dumb Sea,” wedding
planners extraordinaire. They pile
all the gifts and the princesses on a
magic carpet which rises to keep them
safe while a giant brawl breaks out.
Skinbeak uses a magic mirror to
blind the guests and create confusion
while Ásmundur slices open Gautur,
who trips on his own intestines and
dies. Then Ásmundur jumps in and
grabs Hildir’s feet, which enables Egill
to basically curb-stomp that beez. I’m
sorry to inform you that no tits were
ripped off this time, but they won the
battle nonetheless.
Egill and Ásmundur return to Rus-
sia to marry the princesses and be-
come kings of this-land and that-land.
Eaglebeak even comes to their double
wedding to vouch for their otherwise
batshit crazy stories. Everyone lives
happily ever except Ásmundur, whose
wife dies quickly and then he’s ran-
domly speared to death by Óðinn.
Fucking Óðinn, amirite?
SHARE:
gpv.is/saga18
Moral of
the story:
Quentin Tarantino
is morally obligated
to adapt this saga
to film. Somebody
make that happen.
Saga of Egill and
Ásmundur
SAGA RECAP
Words GRAYSON DEL FARO
Photo ART BICNICK
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 15 — 2016
60
483-1000 • hafidblaa.is
5 minutes from Eyrarbakki
at the Ölfusá bridge
open daily 11:00-21:00
483-3330 • raudahusid.is
10 minutes from Selfoss
Búðarstígur 4, 820 Eyrarbakki
open daily 11:30-22:00
Traveling the south coast or Golden Circle?Reykjavík
Eyrarbakki
Keavík
International
Airport
Vík
MADE IN ICELAND www.jswatch.com
With his legendary concentration and 45 years of experience our Master
Watchmaker ensures that we take our waterproofing rather seriously.
Gilbert O. Gudjonsson, our Master Watchmaker and renowned craftsman,
inspects every single timepiece before it leaves our workshop.