Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.01.2017, Blaðsíða 8

Towards the end of every year, some pub-
lications in Iceland release a forecast for
the year to come. Never one to be left out
of a hot trend, we decided to get in on the
action, too. Here, then, are the bold and
earth-shaking predictions we’ve made
for the year to come.
1. The weather will be rather unpre-
dictable in 2017. It will be windy.
2. A record number of tourists will
visit Iceland.
3. A considerable amount of earth-
quakes will be recorded.
4.

5. Sigmundur Davíð Gunnlaugsson
will become Prime Minister, but
to make this absolutely clear, we
are not sure in which country he’ll
become PM, nor if that country is
of this world.
6. A band that was really popular 15-
20 years ago will play a sold out,
overpriced concert in Iceland. Af-
ter the gig a 43-year-old man will
describe it to his wife as great, and
that the band “hasn’t forgotten
anything!” The band will claim
that they “always wanted to come
to Iceland” and that it had nothing
to do with the fact that the króna
is strong.
7. Iceland won’t win Eurovision.
8. Iceland’s football team will fade
back into obscurity.
9. A beloved artist will die, causing
an outpouring of social media
grief and unconditional love, ab-
solutely disregarding that shame-
ful period in the 90s.
10. Traffic will be hectic in 2017.
11. A month’s rent in Reykjavík will
become approximately three
months’ salary.
12. A volcano will erupt or show signs
of activity.
13. Construction of a new hotel will
finally finish in Reykjavik and a
new bar will open.
14. A tourist will need to be rescued.
15. The state will sell some assets for
a fraction of what they are worth.
The lucky buyers will happen to
be family members of the Prime
Minister. In his defense, the right
wing will claim that it’s “a pretty
great family” and that "poor peo-
ple should just stop being poor."
16. A respected cultural figure will
openly share their view that
downtown Reykjavík is becom-
ing a puffin shop.
17. The Prime Minister of Iceland will
become entangled in a scandal in-
volving an online dating service.
18. Color Run 2017 will be sold out.
19. A media company will be bought
by Björn Ingi Hrafnsson, continu-
ing to feed his insatiable appetite
for troubled media companies.
The Reykjavík Grapevine will con-
tinue to aggravate the Progressive
Party in an ongoing effort to vie
for his attention.
20. Icelanders will finally break their
own record for purchases of new
Range Rovers, that they previous-
ly set in 2007.
21. A Russian aircraft will fly close to
Icelandic airspace in 2017.
22. A new study will reveal that some-
thing, previously thought very
healthy, is actually not so healthy
or even not healthy at all. This will
add to the smugness of some, and
have no effect on the rest.
23. A public figure will appear on the
cover of a glossy magazine speak-
ing openly about alcoholism and
substance abuse. After a short
outrage following a scandal, the
public will have sympathy for the
public figure—continuing the un-
written agreement the nation has
with itself that everybody gets one
free “out” in life: alcoholism.
24. Boys will be boys in 2017. Some
girls will also be boys. A few will
be neither, both or other.
25. Someone will complain about the
weather in 2017.
26.

27. Puffins will have a bad year.
28. The Reykjavík Grapevine will have
roughly 500,000 readers in 2017.
Consider forcing this issue into
the hands of the next person when
you’re done with it and saying with
an authoritative voice, “Read!”
We’re going to need unconvention-
al tactics for this to come true.
29. An Icelandic tech startup will file
for bankruptcy.
30. A movie score composed by an
Icelander will be nominated for a
prize in 2017.
31. Björk will still be cool in 2017. In
a nationally broadcast speech,
she will remove her luchador
mask and claim “I was only kid-
ding all this time, I’m really su-
per normal.” A nation in shock
will decide that being normal
is the new cool and the original
Queen B will hold her coolness.
32. A food choice will continue to be
the apex of moral superiority, over-
shadowing volunteering, altruism,
and selfless heroism yet again.
33. A report will conclude that the
glaciers of Iceland are smaller in
2017 than they have been before.
34. More young people will move
away from Iceland than to Iceland.
35. A tourist will be found defecating
where one shouldn’t.
36. Iceland’s elite counterterrorism
unit will be called out to disarm
a scarcely dressed, drunk man in
his fifties, keeping his neighbors
awake with clamor and outcries
of obscenity while waving an um-
brella.
37.

38. At a Reykjavík grocery store,
a strange insect will be found
hiding in a box of fruit, having
survived the trip to Iceland. Ex-
tensive coverage by the nation's
largest media will ensue.
39. A crowd standing in line before an
opening of a new store will be the
object of ridicule on social media.
40. A relatively famous, foreign mar-
keting guru will hold a lecture
in Iceland on how to market an
event. Tickets will cost approxi-
mately $800.
41. A brand new restaurant will open
downtown. Food will be great.
42. An internet “meme” aimed to
change the world will surface. The
“meme” claiming Iceland jailed
its bankers and has free health-
care will not have the desired ef-
fect despite being accompanied
by a great photo and showing an
inspired employment of typogra-
phy.
43. The President will do some-
thing mildly embarrassing but
he is so adorable no one will
even notice.
44. A lunar or astronomical event
only visible from Iceland every
150 years or more will take place
in 2017. The event will seemingly
be greatly anticipated according
to the amounts of posts on social
media. Mysteriously only five peo-
ple will actually remember to look
out for the event and, to their dis-
appointment, it will be a cloudy
night.
45. On December 31st, Icelanders
will bid 2017 farwell by exploding
some 600+ tonnes of fireworks.
Magically, through the smog, a
new year should appear.
Grapevine’s 2017 Prophecies
What wonders will the new year have in store for us? We consulted some of
Iceland's best psychics (in our price range, subject to availability) to find out!
The next
coalition gov-
ernment will
be unpopular.
Someone will
attempt a
robbery with
a needle.
Words
THE
REYKJAVÍK
GRAPEVINE
VÖLVA SQUAD
Illustration
LÓA HLÍN
HJÁLMTÝS-
DÓTTIR
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The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 01 — 2017
8
Iceland
will remain
malaria-free.