Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.01.2017, Blaðsíða 60

I’m gonna skip all the “son of
blahblahblahson” bullshit and get
straight to the juicy man-meat of
this Saga. Okay? Okay. Long intro
short some pretty little rich boy
named Hrómundur is out raiding
with King Ólafur of Denmark. He
gets word of a nearby tomb, dank
with riches and haunted by the
spirit of an evil king. Aristocrat
as he is, he’s like, “Ooooooh even
mooooore money!” So he finds it
and breaks in.
Pussy pussy pussy
marijuistletoe
The spirit sits on his throne and
watches Hrómundur pilfering all
his shit until Hrómundur starts to
taunt him, something like, “What-
cha gonna do about it, pussy? Huh?
Pussy?” Þráinn, the ghost, says
Hrómundur won’t get away with
it but sits there on his fat, ectoplas-
mic ass anyway. So Hrómundur
is like, “Puuuuuusssssssssyyyyy!
Pussypussypussypussypussy!”
The ghost is like, “Well, okay, I
guess, but only since you called me
a pussy.” Then they wrestle. You
know, just guy/ghost stuff. Just as
Hrómundur is winning, the ghost
transforms into a troll and uses
his troll talons to tear the flesh
from Hrómundur’s back all the way
down to his ass, which is a shame
because I imagine Hrómundur
had a mad juicy booty. Hrómun-
dur overcomes him nonetheless
and kills him with his own sword,
named Mistletoe. Unfortunately
this is not the kissy kind of mistle-
toe, it’s the stabby kind. Hrómun-
dur is now not only rich, but also
famous.
Helgi frozen over
Hrómundur cozies up to King Olaf’s
sister Svanhvít and it’s safe to say
she wants his D. The king has two
evil advisors, totally Jafar-status
from ‘Aladdin’. They have started
a rumor that Hrómundur intends
to betray the princess and so Olaf
has him expelled from the court.
Then two kings from Sweden both
named Hadding randomly come
along with a guy named Helgi, the
brother of a guy Hrómundur killed
earlier and I skipped over because
you totally don’t care. They chal-
lenge Olaf to a battle on a frozen
lake and Olaf asks for Hrómun-
dur’s help. Naturally, he laughs his
formerly-juicy-now-tore-the-fuck-
up booty off and says the Jafars got
the king's back instead.
But Svanhvít comes and asks
him to help her brother and gives
him a magic garter to wear that
will protect him, so he agrees to
go. As soon as the battle starts, one
of the Jafars dies but the other is
nowhere to be seen. Helgi’s girl-
friend Kara is a witch who takes
the form of a swan, flying over the
battle casting spells to prevent
the Danish army from protecting
themselves, allowing Helgi to kill
all of Hrómundur’s brothers be-
fore mocking him for wearing the
Svanhvít’s garter, which Hrómun-
dur takes off because masculinity
or some shit.
When Hrómundur steps up to
fight him, Helgi accidentally stabs
his own girlfriend-bird to death,
breaking the spells against them.
Hrómundur slices Helgi in half
with Mistletoe but not before his
own belly is slashed open. He uses
his knife to poke his guts back in
and sews himself back up before
continuing to fight. Suddenly the
missing Jafar shows up and knocks
Mistletoe into the lake but Hró-
mundur just snaps his neck NBD.
Then Hrómundur is sad about
his wounds and the deaths of his
brothers, but he’s mostly sad about
his sword because y’all know how
much rich people value material
objects over human life, right?
Dream big
Some local peasants take Hró-
mundur in to treat his wounds
and even fish his sword back up
for him. When the Haddings have
the peasants’ house searched for
Hrómundur, they disguise him as
a serving maid. He passes the win-
ter there. Meanwhile, back at the
Haddings’, one of their men named
Blindur the Evil tells the king that
he had a dream that a wolf bit the
king. Hadding says it means that
a king will come and bring peace
after violence.
Then Blindur won’t shut the
fuck up about his dreams. He says
he had a dream about a naked bird,
a dream about pigs, a dream about
a giant, a dream about a serpent
wrapped all the way around Swe-
den, that there is a serpent in the
peasants’ house, and some other
dumb shit. Then Blindur says he
had a dream about an iron ring
around his own neck and Had-
ding tells him this means he’ll
be hanged to death and they’re
both gonna die. Then Hrómundur
shows up with the Danish army
and guess what, they kill the king
and hang Blindur. Surprise, bitch!
Then Svanhvít’s dreams come true
too because she marries Hrómun-
dur and finally gets the sweet,
sweet D of her desire.
Morals of the story: 1. Rich peo-
ple do not have emotions. 2. Don’t
be a cock-blocker.
SHARE:
gpv.is/sag01
The Saga of
Hrómundur
Gripsson
Words
GRAYSON
DEL FARO
Illustration
INGA MARÍA
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 01 — 2017
60
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