Reykjavík Grapevine - 02.06.2017, Blaðsíða 68

This saga starts with a lazy ass-
hole named Refur, which is the
Icelandic word for fox. So you
probably already know where this
is going. After his father dies, his
shitty neighbor Þorbjörn starts
letting his sheep graze all over Re-
fur’s family land. So his mother
hires “the tiniest of
men” (not a Tolkien-
esque dwarf, just a
very short man, or as
I call them, “pocket
hotties”) to sleep in
a shack on the land
b order a nd ke ep
guard. So Þorbjörn
just kills him in the
shack.
Of foxes and
faggots
Refur’s mother tells
him he is a cow-
ard and she wishes
he had been born
a woman because
t hen at lea st he
could marry a man
who would be cou-
rageous enough to
avenge their family.
Rather than seeking
medical attention
for that sick burn, he
seeks out Þorbjörn
for some ice-cold
vengeance. Þorbjörn
cal ls him a soft y
and the newly hard-
ened Ref ur stabs
him, hides until the
coast is clear, then
slinks away slyly.
You know, like a fox.
Thus begins the se-
ries of insults upon his manhood
that drive him to prove himself to
the world. Empowering, eh?
So basically, his mother hides
him out with a dude named Ges-
tur, who teaches him carpentry.
It turns out that Refur is basically
a woodworking superhero (not
a gay joke) and manages to craft
an amazing ship all by himself
from memory of a childhood toy
boat. He then uses this to flee to
Greenland because in Iceland he’s
technically a mur-
derer or whatever.
He works himself
into Greenlandic so-
ciety by marrying a
prominent woman
named Helga. This
wins him some en-
emies because rival
suitors be jealous as
fuck.
So one day Re-
fur sees a polar bear
but he is unarmed.
He turns back to
fetch his axe and
when he returns,
it has been kil led
by h i s en em i e s .
They take the bear
to their father and
talk some mad shit
about Refur, calling
him “Refur the fag-
got.” (They use an
Old Norse word that
means something
like queer, but is so
offensive that you
can kill a man just
for using it.) They
start telling people
he was paid to leave
Iceland because he
was a known sod-
omite who got it
up the bum every
nine nights. This
gets back to Refur
eventually so he sneaks into their
home and slaughters them all in
their sleep and this is totally legal
because they used that word. Keep
this in mind.
Firestarter, twisted
firestarter
Refur takes his family and hides
away somewhere in Greenland.
The King of Norway sends an
emissary called Bárður to Green-
land, who helps to find Refur. He
has built a wooden fortress in a
remote fjord and his pursuers set
it on fire. But surprise! It turns
out he has invented a wooden
sprinkler system which puts out
the fires and keeps them safe.
Bárður and company must to re-
turn to Norway for kingly advice
on how to prevail.
When they return, dig up the
sprink ler system and set the
place on fire again, the front wall
collapses and out rolls a giant
ship on wheels. It rolls over the
men and into the fjord, allowing
Refur and his family to escape.
Because Icelanders used to try to
burn foxes in their dens but they
would often escape through an-
other exit, this whole thing is a
big joke, really.
Making a pun for it
So they flee to Norway, where Re-
fur hides his family in a hut and
dresses as an old man. A known
rapist breaks into the house and
tries to rape Helga, but Refur re-
turns at just the right moment
to chase the guy down, spear
him through, and hang his rapey
body on the fence. He then goes
to declare the killing to the king
(so this won’t count as a murder),
but he speaks in puns that the
king does not immediately un-
derstand. Only after Refur and
his family have escaped does the
king get it and realize that Refur
just saved his own life with dad
jokes.
The King of Denmark offers
protection to Refur to piss off
the King of Norway. When the
Nor wegians come looking for
him Refur is disguised as a man
named Sigtryggur and he leads
them into a trap by the Dan-
ish forces and they prevail. They
change his name from the nega-
tive Refur to Sigtryggur (mean-
ing victory-sure) and he becomes
the Earl of Dad Jokes and no
one ever calls him gay again.
Morals of the
story: 1. I can
say faggot
because I am
one and you
cannot say it
unless you are
one also. If you
aren’t one and
you do, one
might sneak
into your
house and
slaughter your
homophobic
family. Most of
us are too nice
for that, but,
like, don’t fuck
with us.
2. Kill rapists.
The Saga Of
Crooked Refur
Words: Grayson Del Faro Image: Inga María Brynjarsdóttir
SAGA RECAP
68 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 09 — 2017
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