Reykjavík Grapevine - sep. 2019, Blaðsíða 52

EDDA RECAP
Hyndluljóð
The Poem of Hyndla
Words: Grayson Del Faro Illustration: Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir
This poem is actually has two
women who talk to each other!
Of course they’re talking about
a dude, so it still doesn’t pass
the Bechdel test, but when we’re
talking about Medieval literature
you take any woman you can get.
Most of the poem is a boring list
of ancestors, but it’s worth recap-
ping for the sassy exchanges
between these shady ladies.
Miss Piggy
So some guy named Óttarr the
Dumbfuck is hoping to inherit
some money or something and
has to prove he is related to the
dead person in question. He asks
the goddess Freyja to prove it.
So Freyja transforms him into a
huge, golden pig and rides him
up to the crib of her frenemy,
Hyndla. Hyndla is both an all-
knowing prophetess (called a
völva in Icelandic) and a giantess.
So, you could say she is a giant
vulva.
Freyja busts in on Hyndla
while’s she’s sleeping and wakes
her up like, “Oh, hey giiiiirllllll,
it’s so nice to seeeee youuuuu!
Omg did you get your hair done
recently cuz you look sooooo
goooooood. Get on your wolf,
sista, cuz we’re going to Valhal-
laaaaa!”
Hyndla is like, “Listen up,
bitch. You just woke me up and
I’m not going anywhere. I can see
the past and present, so I obvi-
ously know that pig is actually
Óttarr.” Freyja twirls her hair
and says, “You must be confused
from your nap! This is totally the
pig I always ride and not Óttarr at
all. But it’s funny you bring him
up. Got any dirt on his family?”
Ice for that burn
Hyndla may low-key hate Freyja
and already be on to her gag, but
she must love the goss because
she does not hesitate to spill the
tea. She goes on and on, saying
Óttarr was related to this hero
and that warrior-maiden, this
god and that giantess, that one
time the god Loki turned into
a lady-horse to get fucked by a
total stud, also this king and
that queen, etc. “Omg wow that’s
soooo interesting!” Freyja says.
“Can you give a memory potion to
my pig, who is definitely Óttarr,
so he can remember all this juicy
dirt?”
“Fuck no, bitch! I’m done. I’m
going back to sleep. Get outta
my face and back to your corner
where you belong, you trampy,
slutty, goatwhore!”
Freyja threatens to set Hyn-
dla on fire, but Hyndla reminds
Freyja that she can see the future
that they’re all gonna be burned
to death in the apocalypse any-
way. That’s one way to win an
argument, eh, ladies?
Morals of the story:
1. 1. Keep your friends close and
your frenemies close enough to
be useful.
2. Don’t expect people to be nice
to you if you wake them up.
TV GODDESS
‘The Family’
Words: Lóa Hín Hlálmtýsdóttir
Jesus H. Christ! It looks like the
conspiracy nutters were right all
along. There are mad little illumi-
nati men running around the world
ruining everything. Netflix (my go-
to source in life) has spawned yet
another awesome series.
‘The Family’ is a docuseries
based on the books ‘The Fam-
ily’ and ‘C Street’ by Jeff Sharlet.
They investigate a powerful se-
cret Christian organization based
in the United States, the nuttiest
of countries. I usually don't like it
when TV shows me reality, but this
story is so unbelievably odd that my
eyes were immediately glued to the
screen.
Watching the show is l ike
watching a prequel to ‘The Hand-
maid’s Tale.’ The episodes are a
blend of interviews, news footage,
and re-enactments. I don't like re-
enactment as a concept because
they sometimes ruin perfectly
good stories by being badly done
and that makes me angry. In ‘The
Family,’ they're well done. The ac-
tors are especially good at playing
weird Christian fraternity boys.
Much to my boyfriend's delight, I
didn't fall asleep like I usually do
when we watch something serious.
The Family is an organization
that uses Jesus and brown nosing
to climb up the social ladder, and
they have managed to climb pretty
high over the past 50 years. I don't
understand why people are so hun-
gry for power; it makes me tired
just thinking about it. I also don't
understand why American Chris-
tians can actually be more boring
than other types of Christians.
If the series is factual, these
boring men in their beige pants
are bouncing around the world,
spreading their disgusting, hu-
man rights crushing agenda. It's
fascinating how someone can be
so evil and so mundane at the same
time. I thought the devil would at
least wear a cape, but it seems he's
perfectly happy in a badly tailored
suit.
52The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 12 — 2018
In this series, we illuminate
the individual poems of the
Edda–that most famous, epic
masterpiece of Icelandic literary
tradition–with humour, vulgarity
and modern realness. If you're
still confused, Google 'Saga
Recap.'
GRANDAGARÐI 8 101 REYKJAVÍK * 00354 456 4040 *
WWW.BRYGGJANBRUGGHUS.IS
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Picture taken by Satan