Reykjavík Grapevine - sept 2019, Qupperneq 54

54 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 14— 2019
HORROR-SCOPES
A Star Is
Born Again
Luckily for you, we know everything
Words: Josie Gaitens & Hannah Jane Cohen Photo: Art Bicnick
In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedi-
cated team of amateur astrologists
break down your upcoming weeks
based on the movement of solar
winds and the size of the moon and
stuff.
a Aries
Nicolas Cage is in a lot of movies,
all of which go very well with a bag
of Tópas. We recommend picking
up ‘The Wicker Man,’ grabbing an
unsuspecting Tinder date, and
rocking their world.
b Taurus
The Northern Lights might appear
to you in a dream this week. Coin-
cidentally, it’s magic mushroom
season
c Gemini
Throw out that “Vote For Pedro”
shirt. Seriously.
.
d Cancer
Stop keeping up with the Kar-
dashians and start keeping up
with the Commandments.
M Leo
This season, Bíó Paradís is show-
ing a series of classic Icelandic
films. See them all, or face the
wrath of Thor in the form of your
pseudo-intellectual “friends.”
f Virgo
The Reykjavík Grapevine is a free
magazine dedicated to news, cul-
ture, and travel in Iceland. It’s
lucky you picked one up, Joan, be-
cause this is your intervention.
Stop.
g Libra
Life is a delicate balancing act, like
telling your new boss you like her
outfit without going full creep-
mode.
h Scorpio
Show up to Toolraiser with your
entire life savings. If you don’t,
you’re just a massive tool.
i Saggitarius
You’ve found that special thing,
you’re flying without wings. For
real, back away from Taurus’
magic mushrooms before some-
one gets hurt, Sagittarius.
e Capricorn
Seriously, he’s just not that into
your penchant for plokkfiskur.
k Aquarius
Yes, you might THINK you want
to go to the Westfjords, but do you
really? ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ is on.
l Pisces
Oh Pisces, you unpredictable mon-
sters. Stop wearing your heart on
your sleeve and start wearing it
on your fist. Punch all those who
love/hurt you. Smother them with
overwhelming emotion, because,
if there’s anything Lindsay Lohan
taught us, it’s that love and hurt
are one and the same.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
American
Incest
Words: Valur Grettisson
Photo: Art Bicnick
How do you get rid of bad luck from
moving a rock on the black beaches?
Asking for a friend ;)
Well, first of all, was it an elfstone? If
so, buddy, you are fucked. We can’t really
do anything for your “friend” other then
call the funeral home and order the
casket. But if it was just a random stone
on the beach, no one gives a shit.
Here's my questions please. 1. If I
want to live in Iceland should I learn
their language? 2. Is it easy to get
married to an Icelandic girl and start
a new life there? 3. How about jobs?
Is it easy to find?! Thank you, and
God bless you.
1. Sure, if you want to be part of
Icelandic society, learn the language.
2. I don’t know. Are you handsome and/
or charming and not afraid of strong
independent women? Then you have a
chance. If you oppose feminism and a
woman’s right to choose, then evolve,
you pathetic cavemen. The answer to the
rest is basically: If you’re in the EU, it’s
easy, if not, you’re fucked. Thank you,
and may Óðinn smite you.
Do Icelandic folks really use an app
that identifies potential relatives
and protects them from accidental
incest? If so, what are the social
protocols around asking a new
acquaintance to “bump” phones
with you?
The answer is no. It’s fake news.
Hooking up with your relatives is an
American thing. The Brits also do
this— it’s actually legal to marry your
first cousin over there. And, of course,
America was an English colony for over
a hundred years. So that's probably
where they picked up that nonsense.
Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW )
problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or
tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.
Josie and Hannah have the answers you seek. Maybe.
Warning: Too much screen
•’‘ could turn you to stone!