65° - 01.09.1967, Side 32

which Earthlings are divided, and as a so far
unsexed Jupiterian (Earthlings would call me a
“brain”), I found this function extremely inter-
esting in a scientific way. I shall deal with this
later.
From either side of this main box sprout long,
thick feelers, ending, however, in the same five-
bone paddle arrangements we have, but without
the webbing.
From beneath the main box descend two taper-
ed columns, jointed halfway, which enables them
to support themselves on end, so to speak, al-
though they spend half their lives in a horizontal
position as we do. (It is interesting to note that
when reclining horizontally, earthlings such as
my farmer, often emit unearthly sounds as well
as engage in activities impossible for us Jupiter-
ians but of considerable academic interest to such
a duplicated Earthlings as I had become.)
Atop the main box, or “body”, the appearance
of which I have roughly described (though they
are not all rough, as I discovered later), is a ball
of bone filled with countless tubes, wires and
liquids, and covered with an elastic skin material
similar to our own, but being white, yellow,
brown or black, depending on the individual
rather than the glorious reds, blues and purples
to which we are accustomed.
Piercing this ball of bone are six openings.
Two parallel ones in the front are fitted with
devices for sight, and one on either side of the
ball for the reception of sound. (These two func-
tions are combined into a single function in our
Jupiterian antenna, but Earthlings cannot be ex-
pected to be as evolved as we.) Below their visual
devices is an opening for smelling, disguised by
a protuberance of bone and flesh. (This ugly
feature is quite unnecessary on Jupiter, but on
Earth there is a variety of things of interest to
this function.) The most amazing opening, how-
ever, is that at the lower part of the sphere. This
opening is seldom closed -— if it were, it could
hardly be noticed, except in the female of the
species, in which case it is painted a luscious red
color, quite familiar to us Jupiterians. This open-
ing, as I was saying, is primarily to receive the
fuel which makes Earthlings operational, and
which is stoked three or more times a day, which
is not surprising considering their gigantic size.
(One gets use to the size after a while. It makes
one feel more important, somehow, if such a thing
is possible.) This opening is also used in another
way, although I can hardly expect the Central
Committee to believe it. One has to see it or re-
search it in order to believe it.
In this instance, in this other use of the mouth,
as it is called, it is applied against the mouth of
one of the opposite sex (I will discuss sex later
in this report) and affords a curious pleasure to
body, mind and spirit all at once. In this respect
only have Earthlings managed to fuse several
functions into one concerted — act, though this
is not exactly the term I meant to use.
To continue my account — some difficulty
arose when Matthew took me to his dwelling for
fuel stoking. (By now I had assimilated his anti-
cipations regarding the ritual of fuel-stoking and
had, through my IED button, provided myself
with the means to ingest and dispose of fuel
as Earthlings do, so I felt more at ease. I might
add here that future earth explorers must be pre-
pared for the fact that Earthlings require the
names of strangers upon acquaintance. Since
Matthew could not have understood Big Uls Glfck,
I chose the name of Bill Smith — a name im-
plying wealth and conformity — the attributes
most valued on earth.)
Matthew’s dwelling was typical, considering the
species Earthling, but I felt uneasiness on seeing
the farmer’s mate.
Now is the time to explain that only two cate-
gories exist among Earthlings. They are called
“male” and “female”. The male is of harder more
angular physique, speaks less than the female, and
is inclined to flail other males with his paddle
attachments, which are quite rocklike when flexed
into balls. His primary activities seem to be as-
serting his harder physique among other males
and pursuing the female of the species in order
to reproduce himself. The rest of his time is en-
gaged in “thinking” — a process too hilariously
unevolved to be discussed here. (To be frank, I
do not believe the male earthling worthy of being
so excessively reproduced as he seems to wish,
but a duplicated-Earthling must always assume
the Earthling attitudes in order to understand
their philosophy, as they presume to call it. By
impregnating one red cabbage once a year — its
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