Reykjavík Grapevine - mar. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
The Future Is ~Hazy~
Words: H!nn!h J!ne Cohen & Andie Sophi! Font!ine
The Grapevine’s team of amateur
astrologists journeys through the
universe, enduring the angsty
abyss of space every month just to
bring you this short column. And
no, we’re not paid in cash. We’re
paid in gratitude... by the constel-
lations... who apparently have a
lot to say... And while every other
Icelandic news source ignores
them, we graciously open our
mystical ears to the cosmos. Speak
to us, Ophiuchus. *dramatic exit*
Aries
Name 10 female directors off
the top of your head. Wow, you
couldn’t? Disgusting. Spend the
next month studying up. We’d
start with Catherine Breillat.
Taurus
In the midst of the February
24th earthquakes, your beloved
‘Fight Club’ poster fell off the
wall, which has now pushed you
onto an elevated stage of con-
sciousness. Yes, Taurus, you’re
31 and still found it appropriate
to have a ‘Fight Club’ poster on
your wall. It’s true, there were
better options for wall art. So
what can this be extrapolated
to? Maybe it’s time to stop bulk
buying instant noodles? Maybe
illegally downloading indie films
is kind of douchey? Maybe you
should start donating a portion
of your salary to charity? Look at
yourself in the mirror and repeat
after me: No one wants to be Ty-
ler Durden. Taurus—it’s time to
open the IKEA catalogue.
Gemini
You’re not sick because of the vac-
cine shot. You’re sick because you
only eat potatoes and cocaine.

Cancer
Bahrain has the world’s second
highest vaccination rate per
capita. So I bet you feel pretty
silly now, Cancer, for turning
down that job offer in Manama
in January, 2020, don’t you? Don’t
despair. Take this as a lesson for
the next time you receive a job of-
fer. There might be a plague and
that random country could come
out of it a world power. Let’s say it
together: Go Bahrain!
Leo
When you lie, Leo, a bit of your
eyebrow goes up. So tone down
the dramatics, for all our sakes.
Virgo
The tea leaves confirmed it:
March 2021 is YOUR MONTH!
Savour it, dear Virgo, because the
rest of the year is looking pretty
hazy for you right now. And by
hazy, we don’t mean unclear. No,
we mean the cosmos are giving
us a vision that is literally filled
with smoke. House fire? New
vape? Aromatherapy? We can’t
confirm.

Libra
Sleeping diagonally and/or so
close to your partner they are
forced to switch to the other side
of the bed is going to be a more
prominent event in your life. Ex-
plain that this is all just a part of
what makes you adorable.

Scorpio
Holy crap it’s not “active listen-
ing” if you keep going “mhm
mhm” over top of someone
speaking. Just sit there, quietly
not listening, until the sounds
stop coming out of the other per-
son’s mouth like you usually do.

Sagittarius
Starting smoking was a great
decision. Just kidding—stop-
ping smoking and being really
public about it was a great de-
cision! Now, thanks to your at-
tention-seeking addiction, dear
Sag, you’ve got a whole audience
of cigarette-starved Instagram
followers all waiting to buy the
hair care vitamins you’re shil-
ling. Thanks, big tobacco!

Capricorn
There’s a hole in your mask Cap-
ricorn. It was put there by—if the
crystal ball doesn’t lie—someone
named Helga.

Aquarius
It’s ok to not be ok, Aquarius. But
if the trials of life are bothering
you this much, unfollow every
Sagittarius you meet on social
media, stop partying with Gemi-
nis and let the Virgos around you
into your sad, sad brain. The best
medicine for depression is, well,
going to a medical professional.

Pisces
Your biting comments and sub-
sequent dramatic exits are leg-
endary, Pisces. Continue this
theatrical flair into the coming
months. We can’t say yet what it
will save you from, but it might
be some sort of mystical mon-
ster. Or mobster. The writing of
the stars can get messy some-
times.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Whale, You
Asked!

Words: Owen Tyrie
You asked. We answered. Isn’t that
enough?
How do you really piss off an Icelan-
dic person?
Icelanders are touchy on a number of
subjects, which makes it super easy
to cheese someone off at a moment's
notice. My favourite way to provoke
someone is to tell them that skyr is lit-
erally just yoghurt and nothing special;
I mean, yeah, it’s nice, but does it com-
pare to a Müller Light? Not really.
Another way to grind an Icelander’s
gears is to subtly infer that they’re all
cousins. I don’t imagine it’s particu-
larly nice for your whole country to be
compared to the Targaryen family but,
well, you asked…
My final insult to Icelandic culture
would be to tell them that silver is not
as good as a gold medal. This is in ref-
erence to the Icelandic handball team
who, in !""#, won Iceland’s only silver
medal in handball at the Sydney Sum-
mer Olympics. To really drive the knife
in, mention how Denmark won gold in
!"$%.
Is whale meat tasty? Hell, is it even
ethical?
Whale meat is pretty tasty; it’s essen-
tially just a big juicy steak that tastes
fishy. It’s certainly not bad but by no
means anywhere near as good as a real
steak. [Editor’s Note: This opinion is
the journalist’s own.]
In terms of it being ethical, whale,
I’m afraid to admit that many Icelan-
dic fishermen clearly don’t particularly
care too much about the ethics of hunt-
ing whales. Or shark for that matter. If
it swims, they eat it.
More importantly, whales aren’t
even the worst thing people eat here.
In Vestmannaeyjar, they eat puffins.
Puffins damnit! I get that being on a
freezing cold rock in the north of the
Atlantic means that you gotta eat what
you gotta eat but come on now, there’s
plenty more fish in the sea, right?
Somewhere to the side of the rainbow...
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31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 03— 2021