Reykjavík Grapevine - 04.03.2016, Síða 8

8
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 3 — 2016
I am plagued by my American
optimism. Even in the dark, cold
Icelandic winter, my default
emotional state is a stupid-
happy malaise. Sometimes, I am
even borderline bubbly. I have often
imagined that my spirit animal may
be a chocolate Labrador. Dumb and
cheerful. I don’t know why I am this
way, but I have been as long as I can
remember. I think it is probably a
combination of the loving devoted
parents that raised me, the unparal-
leled privilege of being born when
and where I was, and a little bit just
the way I am. You know, like a “na-
ture/nurture” combo.
Being happy feels fine most of the
time, but does make me infuriating
to be around for people who are ful-
ly committed to making themselves
glum. In an effort to fit in with more
stoic Icelanders, I have gleaned
some useful tips over the years on
how to stay miserable throughout
the long dark winter. I hope you find
them as useful as I do.
Let the weather
dictate your emotions
When your alarm wakes you up each
morning after not enough sleep, the
first thing you should do is look out-
side your window. Notice that it is
dark. And cold. And probably windy,
icy, raining, snowing, or an epically
depressing combination of these.
Let the icy wind chill you to the
bone and penetrate your very soul.
Remind yourself that it will be like
this for another six months. Maybe
more. Your friends are all taking
vacations to Spain or Malta or some-
place with a beach and those color-
ful drinks with umbrellas. They will
come back with tan lines. Not you.
Nope, you are stuck here. Because
you are broke. And this darkness
represents all the fun you are ever
going to have. Embrace it. Choose to
wear black clothes today.
Keep it inside
On days when the weather is not
cruel enough to drag your mood
down, avoid going outside. Without
a doubt, Iceland will give you sev-
eral days this winter that are clear,
crisp, and kissed with peaceful ethe-
real sunlight. You may feel tempted
to play in the powdery snow. You
may get the idea to make a snow-
man just for the hell of it, or to take
a walk in the still forest. Or to go to
the local pool for a cosy soak in the
hot tub. Don’t. If you are ever going
to achieve true unhappiness, you
must avoid fresh air and physical
exertion at all costs. So stay in, draw
the shades and wait. The wind will
come back. Remind yourself, it al-
ways does!
Avoid human contact
Other people are probably the big-
gest obstacle between you and your
highest gloom-potential. People
tend to seek out companionship and
connection as a way to stay sane and
healthy. Going to a café with friends,
listening to their jokes, looking into
their eyes and hearing stories from
their day-to-day lives will only make
you feel like you have a support net-
work of people around you who care
about you. Totally useless on your
quest to feel miserable. If you must
interact with others, make it your
primary aim to crush their spirits,
otherwise you run the risk of be-
ing infected by their joy. Oh, and
absolutely no skin contact or touch-
ing. Did you know a 20-second hug
causes your brain to release oxyto-
cin, that pesky little neurotransmit-
ter that makes us feel all blissed-out?
You don’t need that kind of compli-
cation messing with your journey to
sorrow.
Always judge a
situation against your
highest expectations
Meditate on your life’s ambitions.
Count how many of them you have
not been able to achieve. Rather
than forgiving yourself for your fail-
ures and past mistakes, let yourself
be defined by them. Alcohol is of-
ten helpful at this point, as it tends
to reinforce that you are essentially
lazy and incompetent. Just like you
thought. If you tend to feel like you
have done fairly well in life, I sug-
gest logging onto social media. No-
tice how much better everyone else
is doing than you. Beautiful people
with perfect jobs and loads of friends
are having a blast and kicking ass at
life. It says so on Instagram. Must be
true.
Stay put
Give yourself about a one-kilometre
radius in which to exist. This will be
your winter bubble. Never leave it.
Don’t go with friends up to the sum-
merhouse for the weekend. Don’t fly
to Akureyri on a whim. Don’t take
a road trip to see something new
or exciting. It is all just covered in
snow now anyway. The same logic
should apply to physical exertion.
In the winter, a person aiming for
authentic discomfort should move
as little as possible. Drive whenever
you can. If you must walk, make sure
it is only from bed to the fridge, to
the bathroom, and back. Lock the
door. Draw the curtains. Turn off
the lights and bunker down. Imag-
ine yourself a hibernating bear. A
grumpy one.
Make junk food your
comfort food
What you put in your body is just as
important to your unhappiness as
how you move it (or rather, don’t).
As quickly as you can, build up a
dependence on sugar. If you are
worried that candy and cakes will
make you happy, don’t be. I promise
the uplifting effects are temporary,
and the ultimate shame, guilt, and
self-loathing that come along with
eating too much sugar will greatly
outweigh any potential positive
benefits. If sugar doesn’t work for
you, chips, greasy pizza, or anything
with the word “cheese” spelled with
a “z” is typically a good bet.
Cultivate negativity
Be mindful of all the small things
in life that are not going the way
you want them to. Focus on them,
while ignoring anything positive.
This is a craft that must be practiced
if you are ever to achieve unhappi-
ness. Though this is the most dif-
ficult step to master, it is the most
essential part of transforming into
an unhappy person. The Northern
Lights are not as impressive as in
the brochure. They don’t put enough
sand on the icy sidewalks to keep
you from slipping. This beer was
insanely expensive. You have put on
some weight recently, haven’t you?
How is your career going? Mmhm.
I thought so. Exchange any remain-
ing feeling of gratitude for resent-
ment. Spend your off time imaging
all the things that could go wrong.
When they do, take this as evidence
that you are right.
Stop and smell the roses, and no-
tice that they are all dead.
SHARE: gpv.is/miser
Politics | Bright?Humor | But in a super bleak way
HOW TO
Stay
Miserable
WORDS: Mary Frances Davidson
PHOTO: Art Bicnick
IN THE ICELANDIC WINTER
If there was one
prevailing theme
for February, it
would have to be
tourists hurting
themselves. In many instances, this
was due to a lack of hazard signs
or other safety measures. But in
many other instances, this was due
to tourists ignoring warnings from
tour guides, hazard signs, even the
police, and taking risks that could
result in injury or death. As one in
three Icelandic jobs created in the
past five years are connected to
tourism in some way, this is some-
thing tourism industry workers
have been making quite a bit of noise
about. That noise has reached the
halls of Parliament, but what will
actually be done to keep our visitors
safer remains to be seen.
In happier news, guess who’s not
getting harpooned and butchered
this year? Fin whales, that’s who.
Hvalur hf., Iceland’s largest whaling
company, announced they would
not be engaging in fin whale
hunting this year. There will,
however, be hunting of the more
plentiful minke whale this summer,
to be conducted by smaller compa-
nies. People elsewhere in the world
have mixed feelings about hunting
whales that are not considered en-
dangered, and about 50% of Iceland-
ers were against whaling when last
polled on the matter. Anti-whaling
protests may still continue. Stay
tuned!
Finally, this month will go down
in Icelandic history as the month
Netflix finally came to Iceland.
There were reservations—in par-
ticular from Jón Gnarr, who is now
in charge of programming at a ma-
jor media corporation—but for the
most part the streaming service has
proved popular amongst Iceland-
ers. So popular, in fact, that about
a third of Icelanders already had
Netflix when it officially opened
for Icelandic IP addresses. While
Icelanders may be fans of Netflix,
it’s hard to say if Netflix is a fan of
Iceland—Icelanders only have ac-
cess to about a sixth of the selection
that Americans can access. Which is
probably just a clever ploy to get us
addicted to Netflix, and to always
leave us begging for more.
by Paul Fontaine
NEWS IN
BRIEF