Reykjavík Grapevine - 09.11.2018, Page 54

54 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 20— 2018
In June of 2006, the small southern
town of Vogar—just a stone’s throw
from Keflavík—made the noble deci-
sion to help out their old folks with a
new set of elderly-exclusive flats. The
town selected the location, readied
the diggers, and gave the go-ahead
for assembly.
Elven anger
Unfortunately, there was one glar-
ing issue with the construction that
immediately roused the masses in
protest of the apartment complex. Vo-
gar had selected a construction spot
that was already occupied by the OG
inhabitants of Iceland—the elves.
See, in the centre of the planned
development laid a particularly large
elven rock outcrop. The residents of
the town—and the nation—argued
that if Vogar wanted to build there,
they’d have to get the elves to move.
And, of course, knowing the notori-
ous mischievousness of the hidden
people, it was necessary to evict them
respectfully. How could they force
them out of their spot? Not only was
it disrespectful, but imagine what hi-
jinks they would get up to if properly
pissed off?
Elven acceptance
Naturally, the town knew that it was
best to leave the negotiations with a
true elf-expert and promptly hired
Erla Stefánsdóttir, ‘elf specialist’, to
begin a dialogue with the creatures.
Like a modern-day Jimmy Carter
in Iran, Erla journeyed towards the
rock to start negotiations with her
head held high. Later that day, she
returned and assured the public that
the elves were delighted with the
prospect of an old folks home replac-
ing their hideout and would vacate
the premises shortly.
The elves subsequently migrated
to a new spot and construction con-
tinued in harmony with men and
elves, much like in the Lord of The
Rings films when Haldir comes to the
battle of Helms Deep with his army of
elven archers to fulfil his promise to
Aragon, the rightful King of Gondor.
Except, in this case, the Vogar negoti-
ations actually happened in real life.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
The Elven
Evacuation
An inspiring story of co-species harmony
Words:
Hannah Jane
Cohen
Photo:
Iceland
Store
WELL, YOU ASKED
The Tree Of
Sadness
Words: Hannah Jane Cohen
I hate people that like Terrence
Malick movies. Are they all idiots
or am I the idiot?
Ok, imagine it’s your last day on Earth.
You have a choice between watching
‘The Tree Of Life’ or ‘Love Actually.’
Don’t fucking lie to us—you’d pick ‘Love
Actually.’ Terrence Malick movies are
one of those things you talk about at
dinner parties before you go home and
binge ‘Game Of Thrones.’ You gotta see
it to keep your status in society, but,
gun to the head, you’d probably skip a
second viewing of ‘The Thin Red Line.’
So, in conclusion, you are woke af.
Terrence Malick is boring.
Is it as healthy being single
as people say?
Good question. This depends on how
bitter you are. If you are one of those
people that calls their exes ‘crazy
bitches’ or harbours unrequited love
for someone that clearly didn’t give a
shit about you, perhaps it’s not healthy
for you to be single. You probably
cry yourself to sleep to the point of
dehydration. That said, it’s probably
healthier for the world that you’re
single because you’re crazy. What a
Catch 22.
But, real talk, it’s been scientifically
proven that loneliness kills you. So
it’s probably best if you go read some
Harry Potter erotica and cry about your
impending death all due to the fact that
no one loves you. I can’t relate. I’m in a
relationship.
What is the easiest way to not get
chlamydia in Reykjavík?
Already have Chlamydia.

Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW)
problems to editor@grapevine.is or
tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.
Oceanfront property for elves
Cleaning up a respectful gentleman
“Your first and last stop”