Reykjavík Grapevine - 13.09.2019, Blaðsíða 54

54 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 16— 2019
HORROR-SCOPES
Star-crossed
Lovers
Star-ted from the bottom, now we here
Words: Hannah Jane Cohen & Andie Fontaine Image: Kosmonatka
In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedi-
cated team of amateur astrologists
breaks down your upcoming weeks
based on shit like where an asteroid
was when you were born.
Aries
In preparation for ‘The
Rise Of Skywalker,’ you
ordered a movie-quality recre-
ation of Kylo Ren’s completely im-
practical lightsaber, which some
idiot at the post office named Gun-
nar dropped. There is no choice
now but to join the Sith and kill
not only all the post office men,
but the women and children too.
Taurus Taurus, put down the ham-burger. GeminiStop humble-bragging about how “privileged” you
are. No one cares that your family
sailed on the Mayflower.
Cancer
You’re never going to get
to space if you keep end-
lessly drinking in Kaffibarinn.
Stop dressing like a bum, and start
peeing into a tube!
LeoInspired by the original Bio Queen, miss Sylvia
Nótt, you purchase some feathers
for your hair. Congratulations, you
have arrived. Yaas!
Virgo
We know it’s not easy be-
ing painfully aware of how
far from perfect everyone around
you is, but maybe pay a friend an
unexpected compliment. You can
be judgmental the other 364 days
of the year. LibraStop telling people that you’re disappointed by
the new Taylor Swift albums and
be proud about your obsession
with “London Boy.” It’s embar-
rassing, but so is your hair. ScorpioSorry, Scorps, but constantly referencing ‘Fight Club’ or
‘Rick & Morty’ is not a personal-
ity trait.
SagittariusYou’ve always had a weird fascination with the
drummer of Hatari, but trust us:
He will never acknowledge your
dumbass existence. CapricornStop spending so much time on TikTok and get
on God’s clock!
AquariusYou will see a meme about adopting pets on
your Facebook timeline with the
caption “I bet this won’t even get
one share”. You will scroll past it,
and then share it an hour later
when the guilt overcomes you.
Pisces If you know what’s good for you, you’ll bring your
whole family to FlyOver Iceland
ASAP.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
God Left Us
Aeons Ago
Words: Hannah Jane Cohen
Photo: Art Bicnick
Could God make a rock so heavy that
even he couldn’t lift it?
Woah, hold up there, cowboy/cowgirl/
cowperson. HE? HE couldn’t lift it? You
fucking sexist. Anyway, everyone who is
anyone subscribes to the Watchmaker
analogy, popularised by Newton and
Descartes, which suggests that an
omnipotent designer created the universe
and all living beings, before fucking off to
let natural selection do its thing.
So, to answer your question: God left
us aeons ago, so even if they could make
a ridiculously heavy rock, they currently
exist in a dimension far more complex than
simple rocks and gravity, thus it wouldn’t
even matter. Read some philosophy, you
nimwit.
What is the best cure for climate
despair?
Sure, you could go vegan or reduce your
plastic use, but if you really cared about
the environment, you’d do your part
to save the world from overpopulation
and remove yourself from the equation.
Woah—we don’t mean kill yourself, we
just mean go full Ted Kaczynski.
If I hear a song about drugs, is there
a possibility I will start doing drugs
after?
Interesting theory. To test this out, I
listened to Marilyn Manson’s ‘Antichrist
Superstar’ album in its entirety. In the
past 12 hours, I’ve sacrificed three
virgins, done 13 lines of cocaine, and
shot up three schools. And you say white
people have no culture?
So, in conclusion: Yes. You’ll probably
start doing drugs. We at the Grapevine
recommend staying away from loser
drugs like meth and starting with cool
drugs like ayahuasca—that seems to be
what all the hip white people who write
for VICE are doing nowadays anyway.
Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW )
problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or
tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.
A cancer, likely in the grip of a Scorpio
An early autumn stroll in Reykjavík