Reykjavík Grapevine - 13.09.2019, Síða 54

Reykjavík Grapevine - 13.09.2019, Síða 54
54 The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 16— 2019 HORROR-SCOPES Star-crossed Lovers Star-ted from the bottom, now we here Words: Hannah Jane Cohen & Andie Fontaine Image: Kosmonatka In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedi- cated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like where an asteroid was when you were born. Aries In preparation for ‘The Rise Of Skywalker,’ you ordered a movie-quality recre- ation of Kylo Ren’s completely im- practical lightsaber, which some idiot at the post office named Gun- nar dropped. There is no choice now but to join the Sith and kill not only all the post office men, but the women and children too. Taurus Taurus, put down the ham-burger. GeminiStop humble-bragging about how “privileged” you are. No one cares that your family sailed on the Mayflower. Cancer You’re never going to get to space if you keep end- lessly drinking in Kaffibarinn. Stop dressing like a bum, and start peeing into a tube! LeoInspired by the original Bio Queen, miss Sylvia Nótt, you purchase some feathers for your hair. Congratulations, you have arrived. Yaas! Virgo We know it’s not easy be- ing painfully aware of how far from perfect everyone around you is, but maybe pay a friend an unexpected compliment. You can be judgmental the other 364 days of the year. LibraStop telling people that you’re disappointed by the new Taylor Swift albums and be proud about your obsession with “London Boy.” It’s embar- rassing, but so is your hair. ScorpioSorry, Scorps, but constantly referencing ‘Fight Club’ or ‘Rick & Morty’ is not a personal- ity trait. SagittariusYou’ve always had a weird fascination with the drummer of Hatari, but trust us: He will never acknowledge your dumbass existence. CapricornStop spending so much time on TikTok and get on God’s clock! AquariusYou will see a meme about adopting pets on your Facebook timeline with the caption “I bet this won’t even get one share”. You will scroll past it, and then share it an hour later when the guilt overcomes you. Pisces If you know what’s good for you, you’ll bring your whole family to FlyOver Iceland ASAP. CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick WELL, YOU ASKED God Left Us Aeons Ago Words: Hannah Jane Cohen Photo: Art Bicnick Could God make a rock so heavy that even he couldn’t lift it? Woah, hold up there, cowboy/cowgirl/ cowperson. HE? HE couldn’t lift it? You fucking sexist. Anyway, everyone who is anyone subscribes to the Watchmaker analogy, popularised by Newton and Descartes, which suggests that an omnipotent designer created the universe and all living beings, before fucking off to let natural selection do its thing. So, to answer your question: God left us aeons ago, so even if they could make a ridiculously heavy rock, they currently exist in a dimension far more complex than simple rocks and gravity, thus it wouldn’t even matter. Read some philosophy, you nimwit. What is the best cure for climate despair? Sure, you could go vegan or reduce your plastic use, but if you really cared about the environment, you’d do your part to save the world from overpopulation and remove yourself from the equation. Woah—we don’t mean kill yourself, we just mean go full Ted Kaczynski. If I hear a song about drugs, is there a possibility I will start doing drugs after? Interesting theory. To test this out, I listened to Marilyn Manson’s ‘Antichrist Superstar’ album in its entirety. In the past 12 hours, I’ve sacrificed three virgins, done 13 lines of cocaine, and shot up three schools. And you say white people have no culture? So, in conclusion: Yes. You’ll probably start doing drugs. We at the Grapevine recommend staying away from loser drugs like meth and starting with cool drugs like ayahuasca—that seems to be what all the hip white people who write for VICE are doing nowadays anyway. Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW ) problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or tweet us at @rvkgrapevine. A cancer, likely in the grip of a Scorpio An early autumn stroll in Reykjavík

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