Reykjavík Grapevine - ágú. 2020, Blaðsíða 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 06— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
Taurus, You
Nasty Witch
Why is there a 15th season of ‘Supernatural’? The
stars don’t even know…
Words: Poppy, C#te & H#nn#h, Profession#l Psychics
In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur as-
trologists give you their mystical
insights on how to live a long and
fulfilling life. Think of us as psychic
grandmas. We love you.
Aries
Your best friend isn’t ac-
tually vegan. She’ll never
admit to it, but the moment she
puts her phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’
mode, she starts stuffing her face
with Worcestershire sauce. Tomor-
row night, at approximately 21:45,
call her twice in a row to interrupt
this slaughter-fest. She needs an
intervention and God has called on
you, you plant-based goddess.
Taurus Taurus, you nasty bitch.
GeminiGemini, you’re losing it, so we’re going to vocalise your
thoughts for you: It makes abso-
lutely no sense that in ‘Harry Pot-
ter and the Goblet Of Fire,’ Barty
Crouch Jr.—disguised as Mad-Eye
Moody—can see Harry while he’s
under the invisibility cloak. Isn’t
the cloak a mf deathly hallow
designed to elude Death? Does
Crouch have powers that Death
does not Apparently!!!! We’re
upset too, so please use the upcom-
ing weeks to start your campaign.
We’re sure Reddit will be all about
it.
Cancer
Cancel your wedding. He’s
garbage. Keep the wedding
dress though, it’ll come in handy
for your upcoming ‘Runaway Bride’
LARPing session. You’ll be the belle
of the field.
LeoDo your laundry more regularly and maybe
you’ll finally feel better about
yourself. Make your bed, too. Clean
sheets, clean mind and all that.
While you’re at it, how about you
finish that degree of yours before
you start something new? Also, the
plants on your window sill behind
you are dying. Again. Get your life
together, dude.
Virgo
Eat beans, like just fuck
loads of beans. We once
read that a can of beans a day
will make you live til you’re 105 or
something—it’s advice we live by
and you should too. Wooo beans!!! LibraThat skin isn’t gonna stay smooth forever so
for the love of God, MOISTURISE. ScorpioLet me be real with you Scorpio. A lot of things in
this life don’t make sense. Su-
pernatural is on its 15th season,
some people drink water-based
hot chocolate and Arkansas is
pronounced like that. It’s a mad
scary world and sometimes all
you can do is take a nap. Let me
get you a blanket.
SagittariusTelling you this with love, but your banana bread
recipe sucks. For your next tea par-
ty maybe opt for an EasyMix pack
of brownies. CapricornBuy a TV. We don’t know why, but we anticipate
you’ll be spending a lot more time
in your house soon. Why? Para-
sitic worms.
AquariusThis is an intervention. Playing Taylor Swift’s
‘folklore’ on repeat is not an ade-
quate substitute for a personality,
or therapy for that matter too. But
we ain’t gonna lie—it’s fucking
fantastic. (“Betty” <3!!!)
Pisces You know when your mum told you that that
girl—the really pretty and popu-
lar one who never invited you to
her parties—was just jealous of
you? Yeah, she was lying. That
boy who was constantly throw-
ing pencils at your head in class,
guess what? No, he didn’t fancy
you. Sorry to break it to you, your
mum is a big fat liar. Time to
grow up Pisces.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Undercover
Librarians

Words: Catherine Magnúsdóttir
What happened to hardcore man
bun-y hipsters?
The Icelandic climate presumably came
for them. Man-bunnies are notoriously
sensitive and can’t handle the cold, es-
pecially when they get wet. Maybe some
good souls took pity on them, brought
them home and nurtured them back to
health before adopting them and giving
them a good home free of record players
and cinema snobbery.
How much hair is an acceptable
amount to be in a shower drain? I'm
confused
None. Ew. Clean your bathroom, you
animal. You’re not a possum! At least,
I presume you’re not. We can never be
sure about our readership though. Any-
way, just get on it. And don’t worry, I
hear cleaning the pipes can actually be
quite fun.
While cleaning my place, I discov-
ered a long-lost library book. I legit
thought I had returned it. Do I pre-
tend I never found it and move on
with my life? Or do I send it back to
the library anonymously? Should I
even feel this much guilt about it?
Well, I’m afraid you have no choice but
to completely change your identity and
leave the country. New name. New hair
color. They’re on to you now. You can’t
hope to escape them forever but you
might be able to buy yourself some
time. Don’t burn the book, but under
no circumstances take it with you.
Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Don’t talk
to strangers. They might be undercover
librarians.
Herb Your Enthusiasm: Reykjavík edition
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